OCD says:
“I have to be morally perfect.”

Compassionate mind responds:
“What would it be like to let yourself be “bad” once in a while,
which is actually being human?”

 

The Good, The Bad, The Beautiful, and the Ugly

Highly sensitive people and those with OCD are highly conscientious, sensitive, empathic, and moral. They don’t want to hurt anything, down to the smallest insect. They don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings or act in a way that might be morally wrong (or lower than their standards). They don’t necessarily hold others to these impossible standards, but when they stray from their idea of moral perfection they castigate themselves to no end. That’s often when the protector of OCD steps in: “If I can wash my hands perfectly or close this door perfectly I can prove that I’m an impeccably good person.”

While it’s admirable to have a high moral bar and strive to act with kindness, nobody is “good” all the time. We can get angry. We can have judgements about others. We will cause hurt. It’s not possible to be human without hurting others at times.

We can be selfish.

We can be arrogant.

We can be insensitive.

We can be condescending.

We must allow ourselves to be “bad” and “ugly” sometimes. When we can allow ourselves to be all of who we are – while also compassionately working on our less-than-pleasant attributes – the misguided coping mechanism of OCD quiets down.

Let me be clear that the population I’m talking about is in no danger of causing deep harm. But when we give ourselves permission to cause smaller harm and act in imperfect ways because we’re human, the fear of causing deep harm also settles down.

 

We Contain Multitudes

One of my favorite Walt Whitman passages from Leaves of Grass (which I read and discussed on this podcast many years ago) is:

The past and present wilt—I have fill’d them, emptied them.
And proceed to fill my next fold of the future.

Listener up there! what have you to confide to me?
Look in my face while I snuff the sidle of evening,
(Talk honestly, no one else hears you, and I stay only a minute longer.)

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)

Those with OCD and many HSPs are black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinkers. We’re either good or bad. We’re either right or wrong. But humans are not black-and-white beings. We contain multitudes, paradoxes, nuances, contradictions. We are complex and mysterious. Nobody is morally perfect. Nobody is perfect at all. There are healthy ways to allow the shadow side to come out and find expression, and this, too, is an important part of allowing ourselves to be fully ourselves so that the misguided protectors, like OCD, don’t have to be so loud.

One of the hallmarks of OCD is the need for 100% certainty: Am I 100% certain that I turned off the stove? Am I 100% certain that I’m in the right relationship? Am I 100% certain that I don’t have cancer? And yet, as we know, certainty rarely exists in our world.

Quite often this need for certainty tracks back to a root cause of OCD: the shame-and-guilt self that needs to know with 100% certainty that they’re a good person. The external compulsions and need for reassurance are a projection of the inner state of questioning one’s goodness. That’s why I’ve often linked OCD to shame.

They’re also a projection of the difficulty accepting ambivalence. Is it okay that sometimes I hate my brother or wife or mother? Is it okay that I’m not always attracted to my partner? OCD says absolutely not, and then it offers a way to try to find perfection by attempting to answer the unanswerable questions. But when we let ourselves off the hook and say, “Yes, of course that’s okay! It’s human. We contain multitudes, which means love and hate can coexist, as can attraction and lack of attraction,” our entire soul exhales because we’re allowing the reality of what is true to exist in full sunlight.

 

All Parts are Welcome Here

When we can open our inner doors to make room for and include all parts of ourselves and understand that nobody is 100% pure or good, OCD quiets down. This might also look like allowing ourselves to be “bad” sometimes, which we can do in healthy ways.

We can write about our jealousy or anger or hatred or bizarre thoughts through journaling and creative storytelling, thereby giving them a voice.

We can act it out in a drama class or in drama therapy by allowing ourselves to play a “bad” character.

We can talk about these parts with a trusted loved one or a therapist. When we allow ourselves to be “bad” – which, again, is actually just being human – we are more apt to embrace our goodness.

And, we can take the biggest risk of all, and the one that contains one of most potent medicines for healing: meeting and sharing in a group.

 

Healing in Community

When we’re in community with other people who struggle in the same ways that you struggle and have the same thoughts that you have shame is neutralized. Our isolation breeds shame, but when we sit in circle – even virtual circle – with like-minded-and-hearted others, a great deal of shame recedes. And when shame recedes, anxiety and OCD diminish. There are few things more calming to the anxious mind than to know that you’re “normal”: that your sensitivity, your dark thoughts, your ambivalent feelings about loved ones, your anger, your imperfect human actions are all normal.

This is what happens in my 9-month course: Break Free From Anxiety. As Joyce from Pennsylvania shared:

If you’re a fan of The Wisdom of Anxiety, the 9-month course Break Free From Anxiety (BFFA) is like its theme park—an immersive experience. Daily emails, MP3s, group calls, videos, small group video meet-ups—Sheryl gives you many ways to enter into the knowledge.

I came to BFFA contracted—wound up in my fears, having a hard time getting back into the world after COVID, and in deep need of more of the wisdom, not the tyranny, of anxiety. Sheryl’s daily emails and our small group meetings worked best for me.

I don’t know what compelled me to sign up for group meetings, but I’m glad I did. Sheryl put our group together (turns out she’s a good matchmaker, too). A wonderful group of 5 women, from 3 countries and 5 different time zones who set aside their lives twice a month to meet on Zoom…not to ‘fix’ each other but to listen and hold a safe space to speak.

A lot happens in people’s lives in 9 months—root canals and termite infestations, COVID and house-hunting, chronic pain and the joy of buying a new piano. And through it all, we showed up, and talked about how the weekly lessons related to our day-to-day. We were imperfect, together. We laughed a lot.

How do I feel after 9 months of BFFA? In a word, expansive. I am more about ways of being, less about ‘how do I fix it?’ (my heart is open). I feel less alone and more supported (and found new support—from my dreams, and those who came before me/ spiritual realm). Yes, anxiety still visits, but is more of a curiosity than a tormentor. I don’t walk away cured, I walk away larger—able to hold space for all who sit at my table. 

And, good news, our group has decided to continue to meet beyond the course. Thank you, Sheryl 😊 

The 5th round of the course will start on Sunday, September 22nd, 2024. You can learn more and sign up here, and I look forward to seeing you there.

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I’d love to hear from you in the comments about the link between anxiety or OCD and allowing yourself to be imperfectly human, especially from those of you who struggle with trying to attain moral perfection.