One of the most common questions I’m asked during a coaching session is, “What are red flags? You say that if I’m suffering from relationship anxiety and I’m in a healthy and secure relationship without red flags then the anxiety is a manifestation of pain that needs attention as opposed to intuition that I’m in the wrong relationship. But what exactly are these red flags?”

It doesn’t matter that I list the red flags explicitly in my course and succinctly here on my site; people need to hear directly from my mouth that whatever particular hook they’re struggling with doesn’t constitute a red flag. I understand this completely. When fear takes hold, one of the stories it spins is that you’re unique and that the messages that you’re reading about anxiety don’t apply to you. Fear can do this around health anxiety, money anxiety, social anxiety, any anxiety. When fear sidles into the driver’s seat, rationality jumps out the passenger side window, and we become desperate for reassurance that we’re okay and that we don’t have to leave our loving relationship.

The confusing aspect is that flags and red flags can feel very similar. This is where the inner skill of discernment enters the picture, for we must be able to say clearly “yes, this is a red flag” or “no, it’s not a red flag, which must mean it’s my own flag”. To this end, it helps to have these terms clearly defined so that you can, at least for a moment, experience the sense of clarity that arises when fear is contained by the Wise Self and, as a result, shrinks even just slightly.

 

A flag lets you know that there’s more work to be done inside of you.

 

Some examples of flags are :

Intrusive thoughts about your partner:  he’s not attractive enough; we don’t have a strong enough connection; she’s not intellectual enough. I’ve discussed intrusive thoughts repeatedly on this site and in the Break Free course. If you need to review those articles, enter “conscious-transitions + intrusive thoughts” into your search bar or just search for a specific intrusive thought. The work here is to learn to attend effectively to your thoughts, which means naming them as flags (not red flags) and asking, “What is this thought protecting me from feeling?”

Somatic symptoms: Stomach lurching, tight chest, headache, can’t eat, can’t sleep . The work here is to name these symptoms as messengers of fear and explore what scares you about real love (aside from the fact that real love is inherently scary no matter what your history).

Feeling blank or numb: If you’re feeling blank or numb about your relationship I would venture to guess that you also feel numb in other parts of your life. Blankness is a sign of internal disconnection, and the work here is to learn how to drop out of the safety of your head and come back down into your body.

 

A red flag alerts you to areas in the relationship that need attention.

 

Red flags are the following:

Addiction: alcohol, drugs, spending, sex, porn

Abuse: emotional, physical, untreated rage issues, one person is deeply controlling around how the other person spends their time, behaves, etc.

Personality Disorder: shows signs of narcissistic personality disorder (is unwilling to sacrifice themselves for another person; isn’t willing to let go of lifestyle of a single person in terms of time commitments – i.e. doesn’t really want to be married and would rather continue in the free and unrestricted lifestyle of being single); compulsive lying; untreated borderline personality disorder

Irreconcilable differences in core values (having children, child raising practices, religion, how you handle money). Having different religious beliefs and different money styles are only red flags if you haven’t been able to come to agreements regarding how you’ll raise your children and other practices that may affect your family life.

Let me be clear: Even red flag issues don’t necessarily mean that you have to leave your relationship. If both of you are committed to working with the issue, having a red flag can often lead to more growth and intimacy. We typically learn through challenge, not through ease, and every relationship will hit challenge at some point. What matters foremost is that you’re with a partner who is willing to grow. Growth can manifest in many different ways and doesn’t necessarily mean going to therapy, but rather that there’s a fundamental desire to soften one’s edges, to learn, and to grow one’s capacity to love.

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112 Comments

  1. Such a great piece! Thank you for the reminders Sheryl! There is actually a movie on Netflix, called ‘Happy Anniversary’ that I think relates to a lot of what we’re all going through. It depicts how imperfect relationships are and how more people go through relationship anxiety than we think. It normalizes alot of what we feel. Check it out!

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    • I’ll definitely watch it. Thank you!

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      • Hi Sheryl

        I tried posting in another blog but unsure if you were able to respond. I have been with my partner for over 2 years. I knew he was the one for me and moved in after 6 months and am now a step girlfriend to his teens which has its own stresses and rewards we all get along so that is great and I even get a long with there mother. There is some issues however and I feel may be a part to what triggered my flare up of extreme anxiety and depression which has to do with a job loss, new job, not performing, ironman training ironman come down dealing with colleges and here is the big one. Earlier into the relationship it was told to me that marriage was something he wanted. As we got further into things and colleges started to be discussed it was told to me that was going to take priority over if we were married and although I allowed that to be ok it stung and made me feel like I was 10th place in line. It had been mentioned a few times. I had a full on blow out and saw a psychic and he noticed that on my bank account and i told him what I had done. I basically unraveled the deep rooted issues buried inside and the fact he was putting all these other things including materialistic items over making that commitment was hurting me because I have never had that. I feel with work with my therapist and reading your blogs and now buying your book I am learning more about deeper rooted securities that step from divorce and my dad not putting us kids as priorities so I grew up during puberty seeing him maybe once or twice a year. Althought I thought I had worked through a lot of that It may be resurfacing causing me to go into protection mode. Any thoughts or ideas???

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    • I will check that out as well – sounds interesting 🙂

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      • I just watched Happy Anniversary and could relate so much! Very interesting to see it from the partners perspective and just how nit picky the main character Mollie was with all of her doubt…. and yet, what a great and loving partner she had…. a really good watch. Thank you for the recommendation!

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    • Sheryl,
      As always, thank you. When I read the part about some red flags being something that can be worked on and used as growth- I felt an instant physical release. My partner, on occasion, drinks to excess, and his hangovers lead to grumpy behavior that leaves me extremely anxious as I deeply struggle with the smallest form of conflict. And you are so right, yes there is a red flag, but just this weekend HE suggested we find a good couples therapist to work with us on how to manage conflict better for both of us, including his drinking.
      Our relationship has not been “perfect” and we have had our issues but the one thing that I am most grateful is how much we both seek out growth, as individuals and as a couple. Growth, to me, is one of the top most important parts of any relationship.

      I have suffered from various forms of anxiety for years and finding you and working through your relationship anxiety course has truly changed my life for the better.

      For anyone reading my comment, whether you have relationship anxiety or generalized anxiety- take the relationship anxiety course, and also read “The Wisdom of Anxiety”.

      I am hoping to take both the “Trust Yourself” and “Open Your Heart” courses soon.

      Thank you again!

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      • This is beautiful, Georgie, and a testament to the hard work you’ve already done. Keep going!

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    • Hi Sheryl,

      This was so insightful! I have a question regarding religious differences. I am in an interfaith relationship and one of my intrusive thoughts revolves around the differences between our faiths and how we would raise children. I was raised in my faith with a fear based lens and I am reconnecting to it by unlearning this fear based thinking. Would it be a red flag to date someone who is not from my faith but we are having conversations on how to raise potential children? How would this advice on religious differences work for interfaith couples. Thank you so much for your work!

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    • Dear Sheryl,

      Thank you for your work, which I have signed up for and am working through currently.
      I really struggle with this theme of “red flags”, as I feel that (due to my emotional issues), perhaps I have attracted the “wrong” type of partner into my life. My last relationship had a lot of conflict & angst (and my partner could be quite critical, reactive and controlling) – 6 years long and resulted in a called off engagement. Now with my current fiance, I’m finding I’m struggling with feeling criticised, controlled etc. Is it a red flag? Have I attracted the wrong person again? Is this someone that I got together with when I was on the bounce? Or is it something within me? I spend a lot of time feeling lonely and misunderstood in this currently relationship, especially as my partner is from another culture & we speak different languages. I often feel hurt by his comments and attitudes to things, although he is an honest person. I feel triggered by the disconnect between us and the pain I feel at his inadvertently hurtful comments towards me. Then I look at photos of us from when we met, messages I sent to friends about how lovely he was.

      I recently read “The Honeymoon Effect” by Bruce Lipton, as I was hoping it would help give me some insights into how to recreate this blissful feeling, but it just left me with more anxiety, as I realised I might have drawn someone who is wrong for to me due to my unresolved wounds. Maybe if I leave this relationship, I’ll just attract the same kind of person. Or is it all in my head?

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  2. Another brilliant one, Sheryl. Thank you. I’m paying particular attention to how fear makes you believe you’re alone in your experience and how numbness is a sign of internal disconnection.

    I’ve not been as involved in this site and this work lately and I have to admit that Ive let the part of me that became cynical about this work take over in the past few months. I think I’ve let my cynicism show and I apologise for that. Deep down, I am always very grateful to you and will always be drawn back to this work. I think my cynicism grew from my impatience to make some tangible process and instead of doing my work, I wrote it off to some degree instead. The truth is, I have not worked hard enough at taking care of myself. I have become obsessive about my inner work, but I have danced around the matter by driving myself mad with reading, instead of ACTION.

    I’m so happy and thankful to have found you and your work, and for the ways in which you have helped me personally. I need to learn to call out the parts of me that create isolation for myself. I’m

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    • Thank you for your honesty, Agnes. Resistance can appear in so many ways!

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  3. Love the clear differentiation between flags for ourselves & red flags for the relationship. I think 1 other red flag is committing to a relationship based on the hope your partner will change. If you only want your partner if something fundamentally changes & you keep working thru anxiety while banking on the change you wish for, it’s an endless process & unfair to your partner (& yourself)!

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      • Does this mean you would not stay someone with an orange or red flag while they work on healing their wounds? My partner suffers from complex PTSD and is trying to work on managing his triggers. Yes, I need him to change. But he is committed to growth and I want to be with him through that. Dana’s post seems to contradict that idea.

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  4. Hi Sheryl!

    Thanks for the helpful reminder! Something in your post did spike my anxiety. My husband and I have a one year old daughter, and we do have fairly different parenting styles, as was expected from our different cultural backgrounds. I am more laid back and he intervenes more on things that I don’t think require it. Is this what you would define as a red flag?

    With Appreciation,
    Hannah

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    • Every couple has somewhat different parenting styles. I’m talking about if one of you believes it’s okay to hit a child, for example, and the other one doesn’t. Or you haven’t agreed on the role of religion in your child’s life.

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      • Hi Sheryl!
        I live with my partner of almost 3 years and I have no kids on my own and am helping raise his teens. I love him with all my heart but around the holidays fell into a dark depression filled with anxiety and am working through it and now going through your conscious wedding course because I feel that could be happening soon ( anxiety has been crazy). I dont see much on here about step parenting is there any advice you would give?

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  5. Being with a partner who is willing to grow is everything. I wouldn’t have really “got” this even five years ago.

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  6. “Love the clear differentiation between flags for ourselves & red flags for the relationship. I think 1 other red flag is committing to a relationship based on the hope your partner will change. If you only want your partner if something fundamentally changes & you keep working thru anxiety while banking on the change you wish for, it’s an endless process & unfair to your partner (& yourself)!”

    WOW. That comment just hit home for me. I was involved in this work many years ago and it made a huge difference for me. It saved me. I see it coming up again in a new relationship and I think at the crux of it I do want him to be different. I want him to change and I know I dealt with that with my ex as well. If you want them to change, is that a sign you are with the wrong person? Or that the crux of the work is that you just need to accept them as they are?

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    • Yes I agree, this comment spiked me a bit too…awaiting clarification

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      • This spiked me too a bit… looking forward to your clarification Sheryl!

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    • It depends what you’re wanting to change. We can make requests of our partners in certain areas but if we’re asking them to change fundamentally who they are doesn’t work. Most importantly, one of the hallmarks of relationship anxiety is the belief that if only your partner were more _________ you wouldn’t be feeling anxious, and I’m hearing this anxious voice in these comments ;).

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      • Hi Sheryl, first of all I want to thank you for all the AMAZING work you’re doing on relationship anxiety, it helps me immensely.
        I need more clarity on the “if you want to change your partner, then it’s not gonna work” thing. I wish he was less shy and more self-confident, because him being shy and insecure makes me feel uneasy and anxious… but I also love and respect SO MUCH his shyness and insecurity. That’s where he needs to be loved the most, and I would hug him every single time he feels insecure, shy or awkward.
        Maybe I’m kind of “projecting” my sh*t on him, because I’m insecure too and I struggle with accepting it? And we all know that throwing sh*t on others is easier than dealing with it on our own… but what about the fact I don’t like him playing videogames? What about the fact I don’t like his friends? What about the fact I don’t like him following certain groups on Facebook because their content goes against my values? Should I leave? I feel like dying at the thought. That’s not what I want. I’m confused and scared and I don’t know if this is anxiety talking or if I don’t really like this things. Maybe I’m just afraid to be alone.

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        • I’m so glad my site has been helpful. As far as answering your question, I don’t have enough information to offer advice through the comments section, but ff you’d like to schedule a coaching session, I would be happy to offer guidance.

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    • I somehow understood it this way, because I had the same reaction reading this: “but I DO want certain things to change!” – of course we do, there is a place we want to grow towards.

      I try to explain what I mean with an example: Sheryl names compulsive lying as an example of a red flag. From my perspective, it is normal to work towards changing the activity of compulsivley lying within a relationship, because its not healthy or respectful. The target for change here is changing a pattern of action, as compared to the desire to change the person or personality. I think this might be what Sheryl means when she writes “asking them to change fundamentally who they are doesnt work”.
      Changing a way of acting or a pattern does not mean I have to change as a person. It targets what I do as compared to who I am.

      From my point of view wanting the partner to change who they are fundamentally would refer to personal traits or inherent passions, i.e. the love for a certain kind of music, being introvert vs. extrovert, needing alone-time, having a drive to pursue a career, wanting to be in a monogamous relationship etc. – I doesnt work to ask our partner to change these traits, because they really can’t.

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      • Anna, THANK YOU for this response! Helped me immensely. Thank you for taking the time to share those specifics xo

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  7. If two people are both willing to keep excavating their highest selves (and that’s not easy I know) then there is hope. I manifested some of the mistreatment/lack of coping skills I experienced as a child. I felt horrible and was determined to change. I remember commenting that I was the red flag issue. Sheryl was so kind and reassured me that as long as I was willing to do the work there was hope. I was and am eternally grateful that she held a space for me in that dark moment. I hope that helps others.

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    • Thank you so much Marlene, it is beautiful to read this, and it has already helped me 🙂 – and I am sure also a lot of other people.
      Thank you for showing up and sharing.

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      • Thank you Anna. xx

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  8. A huge spike for me is that my boyfriend used to be addicted to drugs. I worry so much that he will relapse and overdose. He is committed to staying clean and works on himself and tends to his passions (gardening, cooking) so inspires me to work on myself as well. But he fear still exists. This is very clarifying for me and my fear.

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    • I deal with the same issue, Lauren, and it is a hard one! I still have those intrusive worries about my husband, and it’s still something my mind jumps to sometimes when he is late getting home or doesn’t answer his phone right away, which sucks… But on the other hand, I think it’s pretty cool to be with someone who has been to rehab and is committed to staying clean because he has had to learn SO MUCH about personal growth, humility, being in touch with his feelings, recognizing issues/patterns in his life that need to be addressed, etc. It’s like he’s a step ahead of most people who haven’t had to learn how to grow and change in such a dramatic way, and it definitely helps me a lot on my own journey 🙂

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  9. It means that when anxiety isn’t in the driver’s seat you feel safe with your partner.

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  10. Absolutely loved this article as it helped differentiate the red flags from just the flag.
    You mentioned intrusive thoughts such as “he’s not attractive enough” usually spring about from our own way of protecting ourselves. Could you give an example or two about what such a thought could be protecting us from feeling?
    Thank you!

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  11. Thanks for these elaborated thoughts. Might you also please explain what you mean by a “secure” relationship? Healthy I suppose goes without saying. What does security look like even with anxiety? I’m navigating this. Thanks!

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    • A secure relationship is one where you feel emotionally safe with your partner (when relationship anxiety isn’t in the driver’s seat).

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  12. Thank you Cindy. I just watched that movie and that is exactly how I have been for the last 3 years.

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  13. Hi Sheryl. Was great to read this today. I can’t remember which post it was, but awhile back I added a question oriented comment around red flags re my partner’s marijuana use. Your intuitive response to my particular situation was supportive and encouraged me to keep doing the work on myself. It hasn’t been easy, and still isn’t. But we are still together, and the growth is evident, in me, and my partner. I have found more inner stability and have less anxiety and loneliness. There is more space for ‘being’ inside, free of endless rumination and projection. My partner is seeing a counsellor and facing his past pain. I am so pleased for him. He is smoking less and finding his voice, speaking up for himself in situations that previously would have been very difficult for him to do so. I am proud of me for putting in boundaries that honoured me, even when it was hard, and there was no guarantee that we would continue together. I am proud of myself for facing and embracing the loneliness that surfaced when I stopped trying to control everything. I am proud of him for stepping up and healing so that he (and we) can continue to heal, grow, and feel free together. I thank you kindly for your work, your wonderfulness. Your grounded truthful approach helped me to trust in my ability to face and dealing with my own internal programming (which is so absolutely levelling at times!) It’s an ongoing process full of ups and downs, but the ups are becoming more frequent, and evening out into times of calm, comfortable love and peace. And I do ‘trust myself’ more…I found your site when I needed it the most…and I trust that I was meant to! Thank You, Sheryl.

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  14. Thank you so much, Sheryl.

    As always, your timing is impeccable and spookily significant. My husband and I are in the process of buying our first home together just now and yesterday we visited it for only the second time since viewing. As opposed to the elated feelings of calm, connection and joy I felt when we first viewed, yesterday I felt my stomach lurch, a fearful feeling of uncertainty and the weight of responsibility come over me.

    I resisted the urge to ignore it but, due to having worked a 12 hour day on my feet the day before and having been diagnosed last year with an endocrine disorder which I know affects my stress hormones levels, I was aware that the tiredness I was feeling would exacerbate my fear and bring on intrusive thoughts (“he’s not attractive enough” “what if we’re not connected enough” “what if the new house just highlights how little chemistry we have” “what if it all goes wrong?”) and so I struggled with that all day yesterday (although, thanks to your work, not to the same unconscious degree I did when we got married). I then went to bed and slept poorly, had terrible nightmares about people I trusted being mean to me, not being able to find a secure and private toilet cubicle, being judged and having my personal space and boundaries violated – they were awful nightmares and I felt so alone in them all, like I had no one. Even those I trust the most in real life were horrible to me.

    So it was a great relief and spiritual comfort to awaken this morning to your email and this article. It comes, as always, at just the right time. Grounding my thoughts in how fortunate I am to have a loving supportive partner in life with whom I share core values and beliefs, who makes me laugh and just wants to share joy with me. It has helped me remember to tend to myself, take good care of myself, listen to myself and think honestly about fear and what it means and it’s natural occurrence during any big life transition.

    When it came over me during our wedding planning I felt so lost and out of control, so disconnected from myself and my husband-to-be. I was overwhelmed with family and the needs, wants and opinions of others and I was ignoring myself and my body’s own cries for help. It was your articles that slowly helped me gain the insight and awareness I needed to address and heal from those fears enough to eventually visit a doctor and have my levels tested, which resulted in my diagnosis of Metabolic Disorder. To heal from it I have to address my management of fear, my stress responses and my inner dialogue and your thoughts and wisdom are invaluable in enabling me to do so.

    So, as always, I am so grateful. Thank you ??

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  15. I just love the way you wrote Sheryl and the way it speaks to me. I’ve had debilitating anxiety on and off for the past year about my wedding and up coming marriage (amongst other things!) I’m now two months away and I feel good. I still have moment of fear and anxiety but I’ve learned how to drop down and feel the feeling, it’s terrifying but passes much quicker. For anyone still on their path (I still am too!) keep going, it is worth it. Of course I’m terrifed in the next 2 months the terrible anxiety will come back but I’m going to keep working through it, and right now I cannot wait to get married.

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  16. Sheryl, can a feeling of home around your partner be cultivated? If so, what does it consist of and how do you cultivate it?

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  17. This has spiked me. Me and my partner are on the same wavelength with pretty much everything. But I would like to know what you mean by agreeing on how we will raise children. Me and my partner are still quite young and would not be planning to have a family for a long time however we were raised very differently and I have noticed that my partner will probably be stricter and more firm with children than I will be, I have always been worried about this but I put it down to my anxiety blowing it slightly out of proportion, now I’m worried it might be a red flag. I feel like we’d be able to work together well as parents as we’re good at compromising however this has slightly spiked me because I can see him being more strict than I’d probably like him to be and now that you’ve mentioned it as a red flag I’m worried for the future

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  18. To anyone who was spiked by any aspect of this post: I encourage you to respond to your anxiety from your Wise Self, even imagining what I might say. You all have access to your source of guidance and wisdom and the work of healing from anxiety isn’t about seeking momentary reassurance for the spike of the day but about learning to respond to your anxiety in effective ways that offer both cognitive truth and emotional tending. If you have my course then you have all of the tools at your disposal that will teach you how to do this. And if you don’t have my course I highly recommend that you consider joining.

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  19. Hi Sheryl,

    Thanks for the lovely post. I have been finding my anxiety has been less intrusive thoughts and more somatic/ feeling numb. I have been so stressed about my job and feeling like it is no longer my purpose. I’ve become ambivalent to things that bring me joy, like my relationship, the more detached I feel from my career.im grateful that you mentioned in this post that these physical and emotional feelings could be an indicator of other areas of my life being off. I am a teacher, and I feel my highly sensitive/ introverted personality type is always on overwhelm and I just don’t know if I can do it anymore. I can’t seem to ever find control.. Do you recommend any of your articles to people who are struggling with this type of transition/ career impacts on anxiety?

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  20. Hi Sheryl,

    It’s almost spooky how the timing of your articles coincide perfectly with what we’re all going through!

    Could you expand upon the red flag issue of determining the role religion will play in raising kids with your partner? Is this for people who are devoutly religious and place a huge importance on it? You mention it in your Break Free course and it’s really spiked me so wanted to see if you could clarify.

    Also, while I’m here.. to anyone who has considered purchasing the Break Free From Relationship Anxiety course but hasn’t for some reason… DO IT! Seriously, it’s changed my life and I was lucky enough to receive it as a gift. It’s worth every penny and YOU are worth the investment. I was afraid to begin the course because I didn’t know if getting in touch with my “true” self would reveal that I had to leave, that I wasn’t truly happy, that my partner wasn’t who I was supposed to be with, etc. I put off starting the course for months before I finally experienced a true Dark Night of the Soul and realized I’d had enough and couldn’t continue living with anxiety in the driver’s seat.
    Please let me know if you have any questions about my experiences with the course because I think my friends and family are sick of hearing about it ;).

    As always, thank you Sheryl! I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

    With gratitude,
    Lyndsey

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    • Thank you for this lovely post, Lyndsey. As far as religion, yes, it’s a concern when one person is deeply devout and the other isn’t, and even then it’s only a potential issue if children enter the picture.

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    • Hi Lyndsey!
      I would love to connect with you! Thank you for offering your support. If you’re on the forum you can PM me by this same screen name.

      Cheers!
      A

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    • Hi Lyndsey,

      If you’d also like to process more with me about your anxiety, feel free to PM me as well. Religion has been a huge spike for me as I’m not super religious and my boyfriend is.
      My screename is hgolden!

      Hannah

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  21. Hi Blessedselection!

    I’m working on getting forum access and I’ll PM you as soon as I can!

    Hope everyone’s having a wonderful day,
    Lyndsey

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    • Hi Lyndsey, Blessedselection and Hannah

      I would really like to talk to you all about the religious red flag issue. I am not on the forum but will also try to arrange this.

      Regards

      Abby

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  22. Sheryl,

    How different of religious differences? My bf and I are both Christian but sometimes I feel I am more spiritual than him. I feel like I’m further into my faith than he is. We are both believers and were raised in a Christian homes, but what if our paths grow further and further apart? We are both trying to grow in our faith together as well as apart, but I’m scared we won’t be on the same page later on.

    So when we talk about relglious differences, does it mean polar opposites (Christian v. Atheist) or even the slightest difference.

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  23. How different do the religious differences need to be in order for it to be a problem?

    My boyfriend and I are both Christians, but he isn’t as devout as me. I’m always told that a relationship needs both partners to be devoted to God and choose Him first before they can choose each other. This scares because I know we differ in this. He is still working on his relationship with God and says he needs time. I’m scared I won’t be able to look past this 🙁 We get in arguments a lot about it. He always says he feels pressure from me because his relationship with God isn’t something that can be forced. But I’m scared for if we get married and we end up having kids. Can we operate with only one of us valuing God?

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  24. The boy I love more than I believed I could ever love anyone left me yesterday because I was the red flag. My constant reassurance seeking put our relationship (and mostly him) under a lot of pressure. First my thoughts revolved around how he might not love me as much, so he changed his behavior, sacrificed parts of his life, to prove me wrong. However, after an incident with my family, starting on hormonal birth control, feeling safe in the relationship and something I haven’t figured out yet, the thoughts were about me not loving him enough. Now that I lost him, I have screamed in agony, cried, screamed someone, cost every one of my family members a lot of sleep by waking up in the middle of the night by screaming again. I’m not trying to spike anyone’s anxiety. I have gone through periods of numbness and indifference and anger and I still have doubts about loving him. But I’m choosing to believe the part of me that laid down and cried and begged him to take me back while he was breaking up with me. I’m choosing to believe the part that is in agony. So please, do not make the mistakes I did. Maybe it won’t hurt you as much, maybe you’ll feel numb. Most likely you won’t even have to face this kind of situation. You can heal yourself. You can love yourself. And you most likely love your partner so much the idea that the intrusive thoughts could be true scares you to death. I want him back, so I’m going to do the work, get back to a healthy place, so that I have a chance of leading a life with love. I’m just really hoping he can forgive me and we can restart with a healthier foundation.

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    • I responded to you on “The Gift of Projection” post. Please read that response when you have a chance.

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      • Thank you so much, I really appreciate it. And thank you for the work you’re doing.

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        • You’re welcome :). I can see by your comments to other that you’re already absorbing the information well. Please keep reading and practicing and you’ll get handle on what’s inside the anxiety.

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          • I’ll do my best. I just wish I hadn’t hurt my ex along the way, I realize that it truly wasn’t him, now that he’s gone. But you said once that regret and guilt was another way of not living in the moment, not embracing life. Maybe I’m expecting results too soon, he only broke up with me yesterday, a ten month relationship ended yesterday, I can’t expect myself to just move on immediately. The problems in our relationship (if mostly caused by me) won’t fix themselves in a day. So I need to take care of myself now.

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          • You’re showing a tremendous amount of wisdom for a 17 year old. The grief is underneath the guilt and regret, so make sure that you make time and space for the grief to come through. And remember: nobody knows how to do this. Making mistakes is how we learn.

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  25. Thank you 🙂

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  26. No chance this might have been caused by going on birth control, is there?

    Reply
    • Dear Sheryl,
      now that my boyfriend and I are broken up, I am having a very hard time dealing with the doubts and insecurities I have. Another intrusive thought has lodged itself in my head and it is very persistent especially because I have to act the same way even if it isn’t true. After the breakup I’m having a hard time reconnecting to myself, I don’t know what to do with my time (except for school work) and I don’t know what I want anymore. The intrusive thought is: what if I didn’t love myself and receiving love from my boyfriend was the only thing I loved about him. This makes me vaguely remember going on vacation right after me and him got together and enjoying almost every second of it. I followed my interests and reuniting with him was wonderful as well. My theory is that once school started we had to start neglecting the things that were important to us in order to keep up the same level of closeness. Deep down I know I adore him. But towards the end of our relationship it because hard for me to appreciate the person he actually was. This only means that we weren’t giving each other enough space, not that my doubts are true, right?

      Reply
    • Birth control can absolutely exaccerbate and in some cases even cause anxiety.

      Reply
      • Right now my anxiety is telling me I never liked him and never enjoyed any of our conversations. I’m scared that it’s true, it’s like having two versions of events happening at the same time. Even though I remember talking about things that really connected us (like a shared future, things we enjoyed, , at the same time I have memories of him telling me about things that I didn’t think were very interesting. I feel like this is a false belief in my head, that a couple always needs to be able to have amazing conversations and that I always have to be interested in every aspect of him. This is confusing because once I say it, it sounds kind of stupid. Am I right not to trust the thoughts?

        Reply
  27. do red flags that both of us are willing to work on mean that I need to break up? is the universe telling me to leave? we’re working on our issues but do I have to leave?

    Reply
    • Please read the last paragraph of the article ;).

      Reply
  28. Hey, me again…
    Now that me and my boyfriend are broken up, I’m really struggling with relationship anxiety. I spent the entire last week committed to thinking “there’s a way back from this”, “we can fix our issues”, “we just didn’t know how to lead a relationship and now we know, so now we can start again”, but today I started going numb. I thought maybe if I distracted myself a bit I could reclaim my life, so me and him would start on a healthy basis where I’m not dependent on him (or anyone for that matter) and now suddenly I’m having thoughts like “you don’t want this”, “he’s never coming back, you might as well move on”, “you don’t need him, so you couldn’t have a relationship”, “you’ve moved on”, “you don’t feel as strongly anymore”,…
    So my theory is that I’m realizing that love is a risk, especially when it comes to a relationship that failed once before and where there is no certainty that we could retry (as he might not come back). I feel as though me feeling numb and having these thoughts is not what I truly feel, but a way of protecting myself from the pain I felt just yesterday. I also sometimes feel like I suddenly feel a lot of love towards him and then I feel myself shut down. It would obviously be “easier” to give up and move on, meaning I know what the outcome is, however, I also know that I love him very much and that the reason all of this happened is because I loved him more than I loved myself. What I’m asking is, can relationship anxiety continue about an ex and is it reason enough not to pursue a relationship with him?

    Reply
  29. love this post. I have been engaging in the “7-day course” recently and love it so far.

    I have a question and I would love your insight Sheryl, I have been really struggling with this anxiety for almost 8 months.

    When I met my partner, I wasn’t in a good place (just lost my mother) I believe mostly what I liked in him was physical attraction. But our relationship continued. We’ve been through a lot together. Toxicity and everything. He is extremely loving, understanding, strong emotionally and very available to me.

    However, he smokes (vapes nicotine) and he doesn’t believe in god like me. These things spike my anxiety because it makes me feel somewhat disconnected. He’s never shamed me for my beliefs but I remember having passionate talks about it and he would always ask, “if you can believe god then why not this or this?” (Not being mean- he was genuinely curious what I thought) and I KNOW he didn’t mean anything mean by it but my anxiety laches on.

    He used to be on drugs very bad when his mother was in prison and he stopped when we got together because he said that I inspired him to be a better person. And he doesn’t do drugs at all now. (Except the vaping) and it never has been a HUGE issue until now.

    I remember about a year back I went through this face of hating him and it broke his heart because he loves me so much. I broke up w him because I told him, “if u vape I’m leaving you.” So I came home one day and asked if he did and he was honest and told me “yes.” And I left him. I regretted it immediately and it tore him apart that I couldn’t accept that happy- medium for him like he does for me.

    He also loves to play video games which makes me feel “unattracted” to him even though after a couple hours we do things together as a couple and he does what I want. (He doesn’t ever play Long. But I’ve always had this feeling of not being connected or attracted since the beginning because maybe it was never grown. But, do you believe that if he’s willing to grow (Which he is despite the religion and the vaping I should accept?) and can we grow the love and connection if I work on acceptance and building the friendship?

    As far as the religion thing, we’ve had talks about it and he said he’s not willing to go to church or change his beliefs for me/ become curious about my religion because he isn’t comfortable with it. He says he just wishes I could accept it and respect it like he does for me. I just worry because I find myself not liking that about him or how he’s not “godly” but I know it’s a ME problem. I just wonder if it’s normal to feel sad or nervous to go against that part of yourself that doesn’t want to compromise and respect ones’ beliefs. And should I be accepting like he is for me and meet in the middle on these things?

    I find myself kinda pushing myself to make and accept these things because he’s so kind and respectful of me and understanding and I do want that in someone.

    He’s so amazing and loving toward me but I struggle a ton with this. Please respond Sheryl, I would love some insight on this one!!

    Reply
    • I must add that I worded the religion part wrong!

      He never said, “why can’t u believe A,B or C”

      It was more along the lines of-

      “If you believe that god or the world started this way or that way, how do you think about ——“ or “how do you exlplain ——“

      He’s is just very passionate about it and was testing my knowledge in a friendly way.

      Reply
      • I’ve responded to several of your comments on other posts. Please check those before leaving another comment.

        Reply
        • I can’t find them anywhere for some reason. I thought that I would receive and email when the response was left, but for some reason it doesn’t show up in my email. I found this one because I remembered th post and the place. But the others, I’ve looked through everything and don’t see it.

          Is there any other way I can find them? By a link of some sort?

          Thank you for the response.

          Reply
          • Just go to the blog posts where you left the comments and you’ll see my responses there.

            Reply
            • Thanks Sheryl, sorry about the inconvenience!

              Reply
  30. Hi Sheryl,

    Your site has become a haven for me lately as I’ve been struggling with extreme anxiety and depression over the past several months. I wonder if you can provide some insight into my situation…

    It started with a panic attack I had the day after a bad night (that I induced) with my fiancé. I’d gotten him tickets to see his favorite comedian for his birthday, and we’d ended up not getting the dinner I’d planned for beforehand. I was annoyed, hangry (ridiculous!) and took it out on him the rest of the night, refusing to talk. We’d talked about it when we got home, but I felt terrible the next day and freaked out. Irrational thoughts all over the place, feeling like I’m sabotaging a wonderful relationship, thinking about terrible things that weren’t truths, feeling like I was going crazy and worrying I’d end up like my grandmother who’d suffered from dementia for years.

    I was spiraling, overanalyzing everything, crying daily, thinking about death, worrying I’m not deserving of his undying love. At that time I wasn’t worried about our relationship, but recently I’ve clung to my fears of loss, lack of fulfillment, and uncertainty. He’s the best person I’ve ever known and I don’t want to picture my life without him.

    There was a red flag when we first started dating (a month into our now almost 7 years together): he didn’t, and still doesn’t, want to have children. Even though it threw me for a loop because I’d just never considered not having them and I like kids (and also since it’s expected of women in our society), I decided I’d give it time to see if I wanted to devote my life to him. I couldn’t bear to live life without him, still can’t, so I found peace in moving forward with our relationship without children. I’d been totally ok with it until about a week ago.

    Cut to now. I’m riddled with relationship anxiety again, and I’m unsure of everything. I’ve communicated everything to him, and he’s been the most understanding soul I could’ve asked for. He has confidence in our love, and that helps me. Our relationship is healthy despite my anxiety. However, I think I’m using the fact that we’re not having children as a reason to push him away. All I keep thinking is “this is a red flag” even though I’d gotten passed it already. It’s difficult for me to know because I feel in my heart of hearts I could go either way: having children or not having children. But I can’t go without having my fiancé in my life.

    Is this my anxiety clinging to anything that it can in order to make it seem like he isn’t right for me? Or should I pay attention to this as a red flag still? I would love your insight. I really don’t want to lose him, but I am so overwhelmed with fear and sadness.

    I should also mention I’d dealt with anxiety previously during major transitions in life, like entering high school, losing friends after high school, moving in with my fiancé, and now with our engagement. I’ve also been seeing a therapist and that helps, and my fiancé is open to couples therapy. I keep coming back to this “red flag”, though…

    Reply
    • You’re not alone Laura. I had pretty much the same intrusive thought. “This is a red flag relationship”. I’m with one of the most beautiful souls I’ve ever met. Early on in our relationship, there was a red flag issue which we dealt with and immediately got married because we wanted to be with each other. Today, 3 years later she has grown leaps and bounds and truly loves me in the most heartwarming way possible. I’m still dealing with crippling relationship anxiety. I’ve faced every spike in the book from “I’m gay” to “I don’t love her”. But the “this is a red flag” spike is the worst, because you know deep down this is a spike and a lie and yet your mind says “This relationship had red flags”. Trust me there are no red flags in this relationship today other than the ones I make up in my head. But it’s so hard to stay positive and present when the “red flag” spike is fired mainly because that’s one way which I can legitimise leaving my wonderful relationship, which is exactly what the anxiety wants. I just signed up for the break free recently. Let’s hope this “red flag” spike is not a deal breaker. I know deep down it is not.

      Reply
  31. I have been with my partner for 8 years and I still get relationship anxiety based on what I believe to be a red flag which is money issues. My husband is a musician/songwriter and gets a limited amount of money each month from when his father passed away which is what he has used to support his art thus far. His endeavors have brought in very little money over the years but it’s the only thing that truly makes him happy. I have a chronic illness and can only work part-time now and we are at the end of our child bearing years so are going through fertility treatments as well now. He doesn’t get anxious about money or the future even if he only has $10 in his bank account and no amount of challenges seems to motivate him to get a mainstream job. The stress and anxiety it causes me is just too much and definitely effects my health and builds major resentment. I’ve taken 2 of your courses to get through much of my relationship anxiety over the years but this seems to be a very real issue that never goes away. Thoughts?

    Reply
    • Being out of alignment with money values is, indeed, a very real issue, and one that causes tremendous stress. Have the two of you considered couples counseling to see if you can address it together?

      Reply
      • Yes, we have done couples counseling for years which has improved our communication but never seems to give direct help with the core issues that seem to go around in circles. We even switched counselors at one point to see if that would help. I’m feeling quite defeated as I’m not sure where to put our efforts anymore and I feel like we both put in a tremendous amount of effort but the spiral continues.

        Reply
        • Have you done EFT couples counseling? It’s the only model with a consistently high and scientifically proven success rate. Sue Johnson’s work, who wrote “Hold Me Tight.”

          Reply
          • I am familiar with Sue Johnson but am not familiar with EFT couples counseling. I would love to look into it. Thank you for your suggestion!

            Reply
  32. Beautiful post Sheryl.

    Is there any way anyone could elaborate on those of us who are in a relationship with someone who once cheated. (Mine texted other women almost two years ago). He swears he has changed and I see a difference in him too and I know he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me again but my brain justifies me as an exception for not having relationship ocd or anxiety because of what he did.

    I feel a ton of resentment and anger towards him. I judge what he wears, what he listens to, his morning breath and everything and he says it upsets him so much because he knows in HIS heart that he has changed for the better and I can’t let go of something but he is willing to go to couples counseling and do the work.

    I just don’t feel that mind blowing connection i feel like I should. A lot of the time I don’t feel like we are on each other’s team. He also had money issues and even now, he works one job and I was working two and we just got an apartment together and I’m scared he won’t be smart with spending. He also got money from his dad’s social security and spent all 15,000 of it within 4 months (a big purchase was his car because he didn’t have one). But, he blew it on stupid stuff like clothes and new phones. We weren’t living together at this time so it didn’t directly affect me but he did say he would save up some for our apartment but didn’t. this was in the past and he says he has learned from it, and wished he had been smarter and understand my disappointment.

    I am just struggling a lot with everything because a part of me doesn’t want to get this apartment together because everyone is telling me “REALLY look deep inside your soul and see what you want before you move in” and when I do that- the answer always feels like no. I feel like such a lie to myself and end up feeling trapped because I know I’m not going to allow myself to leave him because of how kind and supportive he is of me. I feel like I need to learn love with him but I can’t stop thinking of everything he has done and it’s so hard on him and me.

    Still wondering if one of your courses would be right for me.

    Thank you for your time.

    Reply
    • As humans, we make mistakes all the time. As I wrote about in today’s post (Real Love is Available Love), what matters is that we’re willing to own our mistakes and grow through them together. You won’t find a human on the planet who won’t hurt you, but it sounds like even though there has been hurt, betrayal, and immaturity, you also have a partner who is willing to grow and heal with you. I recommend the Break Free From Relationship Anxiety course. It will help you learn about yourself, about real love, and about the myriad ways that anxiety can show up.

      Reply
  33. I very much appreciate the great insight that I regularly receive from Sheryl’s work. Unfortunately, one key source of relationship anxiety that appears to be completely overlooked is the very real prospect of becoming a victim of the divorce industry, i.e., family law system. About half of marriages end in divorce, which can be a horrible situation for women but are almost always catastrophic for men. The suicide rates for divorced men is many times higher than for divorced woman – prompted by the restricted access to children, reputation damage or imprisonment due to false domestic violence accusations, unreasonable alimony/child support requirements, and unfair division of assets. People don’t realise that marriage is not simply a spiritual bond between two people anymore but is actually a three-way contract between each party and the state. Avoiding marriage, or any other arrangement that introduces the government and family lawyers into your relationship, may be the most potent way to reduce relationship anxiety for many couples.

    Reply
    • Thank you for sharing this important perspective, Carter. The relationship anxiety that I speak of is different than what you’re describing here, but I agree that men suffer greatly under many of our antiquated systems.

      Reply
  34. Hey Sheryl, my boyfriend and I have an amazing relationship and share almost all the same values and morals except for one. We don’t agree on the LGBTQ community, he grew up in a conservative town and isn’t hateful but is less accepting. Would this be a red flag? Or would me trying to inspire change in this backward view be a red flag? and I have no idea if it’s the perfectionist in me that hates it when I see a flaw in his character.

    Reply
  35. Hello,

    Thanks all for sharing your stories.

    Recently engaged due to a deadline and the idea of breaking up seemed worse than getting engaged. It feels like no right choice to me. Or one feels right and then the other feels right. It is an absolutely mind torture. I wish I could just relax and let it all be. I’ve been meditation for 4 years but doesn’t always seem to help. Now that I’m engaged I have this feeling of depression, wouldn’t necessarily describe it as anxiety although certainly related. Guess just a couple of questions to throw out to the group?

    1. Are certain people like me just wired this way? It just seems awful taxing on the mind to be playing this game. For once, I just wish I had certainty in knowing that I want to be in the relationship. I had only felt that way one time but it ended.

    2. One of my triggers is sexual attraction to others which causes anxiety and then I go into this depressed state. I suppose sexual attraction is normal but is it a “flag” or “red flag” to find other people more sexually attractive?

    Just signed up for the 7 day free course so looking forward to that.

    Bryan

    Reply
    • Bryan: Welcome to my site and my work. Being attracted to other people is not a red flag; acting on it obviously is. In addition to the 7-day free course I encourage you to read through these collections thoroughly, then consider one of my courses that focuses on relationship anxiety (which is what you’re suffering from):

      https://conscious-transitions.com/relationship-anxiety-collections/

      Reply
  36. Wow. This was so helpful. I feel delivered.

    Reply
  37. Hello everyone,

    Thank you so much for your work Sheryl. Your work has really helped me. I have dealt with relationship anxiety since my marriage two years ago (and actually, though much more subconsciously, before we got married). I’m working through the Relationship Anxiety course and there are a few things that I’m hung up on- one of which has to do with Red Flags.

    My husband is in the military. We met in California and moved to D.C. immediately after we got married. A year later we moved to Europe. We have one more year in Europe and then we will move back to California. I feel that the frequent moving my husband’s career requires may be a red flag. I moved to California in my early twenties knowing no one, having no job, and I was totally okay with that. I loved the freedom and independence I had, and I eventually made a life for myself there. Since marriage immediately stripped me of the choice of living wherever I wanted whenever I wanted, I now feel complete loss of power.

    I know I’m with a partner who is willing to grow and learn, but sometimes I do feel completely out of my element in this marriage. Could military lifestyle be a red flag? Has anyone else worked through this?

    Thank you for any insight.

    Reply
    • Military lifestyle is NOT a red flag, and yes, I’ve had countless of clients and course members who have worked through this. I urge you to see this as an intrusive thought and work with it accordingly.

      Reply
      • Thank you Sheryl! I will work with viewing it as an intrusive thought.

        Reply
  38. Hi! All of your stories have been of great help, it’s very encouraging to see how all of you are willing to be brave and fight for your love, and happiness.

    My relationship anxiety started a bit differently; right from the very start. It was when I felt a deep connection to my partner when we started dating. Truth is I’ve never felt like that with anyone, I felt so comfortable with him at the beginning that it scared me. I’m still with him, but I’ve become very anxious about a lot of things: especially uncertainty. To be honest he has some “flaws” that I’ve really had to work my way through to accept because he has kind of a bad temper (he’s never hurtful or anything like that), it’s just that it reminds me a lot of my father.

    Long story short he has a lot of things that I kind of “promised” myself that I wouldn’t accept from a person because of my personal wounds. I don’t know if they’re red flags or not. For instance, he smokes sometimes (pretty rarely cause he’s never done it in front of me), and he also likes to drink at social events, but he’s usually responsible with it. Last time he drank a lot of wine, and told me he had to stop because he felt dizzy and didn’t realize how much he had drank. So I started obsessing over that… over “what if he becomes an alcoholic?” Those things have triggered me a lot lately especially because he’s very different from me, but I fell in love with him. I’m afraid that I’m only forcing myself to accept these things or something like that.

    Are these red flags? I would really love your insight. Thank you!!

    Reply
  39. 🙂

    Reply
  40. My partner of 12 years (on and off) and I broke up two months ago. I did not intend for this to happen. It began with me expressing concern about our relationship and a deep need to work on some issues. His initial response was “you’re trying to break up with me” and quickly escalated to “just put me out of my misery and break up with me already.” I felt beyond confused by this conversation. I still don’t fully understand HOW we broke up (it felt like a scary ride I had no choice but to sit through), but if you were to ask him, he’d tell you I was the one to abandon him. To me, it felt like our break up happened TO me—I felt completely powerless and confused in the moment. I’ve been having a very hard time since.

    There have been many behaviors throughout our relationship that I felt the need to hide from family, friends, and therapists—perhaps because deep down I knew they were abusive, unhealthy behaviors. Since our break up, I’ve opened up about those behaviors to multiple therapists, family, and friends—and all have reflected back to me that our relationship was emotionally abusive and manipulative. Of course, I do not blame my partner for this. I still love him deeply and our relationship was beautiful in many ways. He had a traumatic childhood and his wounds and conditioning have led him to have severe abandonment issues and a need to control those he loves, I believe. I do not believe there was any malice in him ever—the abuse was unconscious on his part. It was his attempt to gain security and safety. Still, it always left me with an underlying hesitance to commit fully to him because I knew something was wrong and it was bad for me in a myriad of ways. When I would try to express this to him, he would tell me that “our relationship was the healthiest relationship he knew.” This was dismissive of me and my feelings. The first time I brought up codependence, he screamed at me “Saying we are codependent is disrespectful to our relationship.” I felt trapped like I couldn’t even discuss problems with him. He had explosive anger episodes only a few times a year, but these times were enough to lead me to feeling afraid to talk to him about my concerns. He is also 25 years older than me and we began dating when I was 20. Our power dynamic was imbalanced from the start, and I feel for our entire relationship I’d been quick to value his perspective and experience over mine—because I had little experience and therefore incomplete perspective. When he’d reflect back to me our relationship was perfect, I’d think something must be wrong with me alone then instead.

    Needless to say, our fights were never about problems I had with the relationship because those were shut down quickly. They usually happened when he would go through a long list of all the ways I’d disappointed him as a partner. Talking through these things were never enough to make him understand me or forgive me. It was a recurring event that felt like emotional blackmail. He’d remind me of the same failures every fight in our 12 years. These episodes made me wonder why he wanted to be with me if he felt such awful things about me. But those times were contrasted with extreme comments like, “If you ever left me, I’d take a bunch of pills and die,” which made me feel incredible pressure and responsibility for his life, wellbeing, and happiness. Our relationship often felt like emotional whiplash to me.

    I guess my question is: does this kind of abuse sound like a red flag? I’m working with a therapist now and still coming to terms with all this. I think I’ve been in denial for our entire relationship. It was the first (and only) serious relationship of my life. Now, of course, I have anxiety from this course. I worry that I just should have stuck it out and tried harder. I beat myself up because I worry I failed him. This course makes it sound like not even a red flag is a reason to end a relationship, and that is concerning to me. Were my concerns valid?

    My heart is really hurting.

    Reply
    • These are 100% red flags and I’m so glad you’re working with a therapist. I can understand how much pain you’re in AND it sounds like the relationship needed to end so that you can come clean about what was actually happening.

      Reply
      • Sheryl,
        Your comment here made me sob with relief. Thank you so much. I think you’re right. I’ve been very protective of the relationship since its start because I had to defend it to so many loved ones in my life. The age difference, the student/teacher dynamic, all of it—I was constantly playing defense. This led me to defending it even against my own criticisms… which created a pretty robust denial. Now that it’s over, I feel like I’m seeing it with new eyes. Thank you for your insight, affirmation, and acknowledgment. I’m in the greatest amount of pain in my life, but I’m also hopeful we can at least maybe both heal and grow now.
        <3

        Reply
      • Hannah’s comment in regards to her red flag issue has spiked my anxiety as I have been struggling with past incidents within my 15 year relationship. I am married to a wonderful person but he does have some flaws as I do as well. We both have contributed to these incidents. For example, when we first started dating I wanted to have control over him because I was scared of being hurt. My dad cheated on my mom when I was really young and I lost faith in all men. I always told myself I would never need a man in my life. This caused me to be controlling and manipulative in my relationship and now that I think about it I feel terrible. I have so much guilt over this and feel that my husband deserves so much better. I am no longer this way but I feel responsible for a lot of the hurt I have caused him over the years. My anxiety keeps moving between ruminating about the things I did to ruminating about how he has also hurt me. About 7 years into our relationship he did some things I consider cheating, he did not sleep with anyone else or anything like that but he was out a a club with friends from the police academy he was in at the time. A girl kissed him and he kissed her back. He also had flirty conversations over text with other girls. I found this out from someone who saw him at the club. I was devastated and he said he felt so guilty but did not want to tell me for fear of losing me. He said he felt a lot of stress and pressure due to my controlling nature and accusing him of things he had not done. He was in tears while he was telling me all this. He then said maybe it would be better to take a break and I freaked out. I told him I would not be waiting for him. So basically I gave him an ultimatum and we stayed together. I feel terrible for not respecting his wishes of taking a break but I was terrified if losing him. We started dating when I was 19 and he was 21, so we have had a lot of growing and learning to do within our relationship. I am currently 33 and he is 36.

        Something else that bugs me is that when we started dating again I was 19 and he was 21 we were still young and immature. One incident that keeps coming up in my mind is a big red flag that I did not know was at the time. It only ever happened once and he never did anything like that again, but we were driving back from a party and we got into a fight. I don’t even remember what it was over. Probably something immature and stupid. I threatened to break up with (I had not intention of actually doing it) and told him I didn’t need him. He got really upset and said “I will jump out of this car if you break up with me”. At the time I saw this as a sign that he did love me. Now that I am older this incident hunts me and I feel
        like maybe we were being abusive to each other. I talked to him about it recently and he said at the time he was joking and that he would never kill himself over breaking up. I asked him if he was trying to be manipulative and he said probably. Don’t forget I was also being manipulative. We were really young and I don’t think we were aware of what we were doing. It really weird because he has never done anything like that again and is really supportive of me and does not try to control me in any way. I on the other hand still have control issues but have come a long way.

        I guess my question is since our relationship has been rocky and at times toxic does it mean we should end it? I love him and he loves me and overall I feel like we currently have a healthy relationship. I have never felt unsafe or insecure with him. I am also able to talk to him about anything and everything without judgment.

        I thought I had worked through all these issues but recently it has all come back because my husband has been drinking more than usual and feel like he is using alcohol to cope with strong feelings. He is a police officer and sees terrible things on a daily basis. He almost lost his life a week ago when a prisoner who was getting treated in the hospital managed to take his gun. He had to literally fight for his life. He has also been lying to me about his drinking and other habits that are unhealthy.

        I am terrified that I have to walk away from my marriage. I have all these thoughts going through my head. What if our marriage is toxic? What if you are codependent? What if you don’t really love him but stay because he is all you know? What if you are staying out of fear of the unknown and of change? What if you are in denial about who he is? What if he is a monster? What if I am a monster not capable of having healthy relationships? I know I would have treated any other boyfriend the same way when I was younger due to the trama of my dad cheating on my mom.

        I feel so lost because there are so many questions running through my head. Not just the red flag issues but also about how young we were when we got together and how we probably missed out on a lot of things. What if I have to leave to go find myself and explore?

        Reply
  41. I have been working on inner self and my intrusive thoughts/relationship anxiety that came from nowhere a few months back. Of course once I break free from one “hook” of intrusive thoughts another pops up. One that keeps coming back more so than others is religion.
    I am a Christian who believes in God and grew up that way. I’m not heavy into my religion and rarely even go to church. My husband (we’re recently married) doesn’t really believe in anything. He isn’t against God or anything like that, he just wasn’t raised the way I was. Up until my intrusive thoughts came along, it never bothered me. Mainly because we respect each other’s views. He goes to church if I ask but I never force it onto him and I respect that he isn’t into religion because if he wants to get into it, I’ll be there to support him. We both know if I want our future children to go to church he’s completely okay with that and respects that. I believe my biggest problem is my grandparents are hardcore religious and I grew up being told both you and your partner need to believe in God or it’ll never work. Is this still a red flag? Or am I just letting the intrusive thoughts/anxiety take over? That’s probably the only real difference we have, because we have almost identical core values and just do life together very well, but some days I can’t seem to get it out of my head if it’s a red flag or just my anxiety/intrusive thoughts…

    Reply
    • This isn’t a red flag AT ALL. It’s a classic intrusive thought.

      Reply
  42. Thank you for this post, Sheryl! I struggle with worrying that my boyfriend doesn’t text me enough when we are apart. It sounds silly writing it, but when he travels for work or is away with friends, he won’t answer my texts for 24 hours sometimes. I try to know that he’s busy, but I can’t help spiral into extremely bad anxiety (like panic attacks) because it makes me feel taken advantage of, forgotten, rejected, and that he doesn’t miss me/care about me enough/its so easy for him to just replace me/he’d be fine without me. I then compare to other couples that are always in contact and together all of the time- I feel I deserve better and that my way of expressing love is not being respected. My dad is always with my mom and my parents also were very attentive to me. I feel scared not having that unconditional attention anymore and when I try to look at it as I have to give myself attention, I get stuck because my ego is telling me I deserve someone who would miss me/text me more. The only way I can describe the feeling is like my ego is being a brat and throwing a temper tantrum. When he’s gone I don’t have control over seeing what he’s up to (not a trust thing, just literally knowing what he’s doing that day) or being able to talk to him when I want or share our lives that day/week, and I can’t get affirmation or attention from him if he doesn’t respond. – It’s like a 2 year old! Sheryl, how would you recommend I get over this? My ego is so loud.

    I always pray to God that he moves my projected anxiety to something other than my relationship. It’s so sad to me that I have such a wonderful person and I ruin it with my anxiety. I just want to enjoy how fortunate I am and I feel guilty I’m not.

    Reply
  43. Hi There,

    My partner and I have been together for almost a year now. I’ve had anxiety most of my life and it’s naturally attached to my relationship too, almost from the beginning. I slept with someone a few weeks before we got together officially but during a time when my current partner and I were feeling things out and spending time together. When we finally got together after a week I told her what I’d done and she was pretty upset. She was concerned that I’d gotten this girl pregnant, or that I had std’s. Anyhow it all resolved itself initially and we moved forward. However a few weeks later I started having intrusive thoughts about this other girl. I was afraid she was stalking me, I was afraid that she was indeed pregnant and not telling me, and eventually the stories turned to that I didn’t actually love my partner and that she was the same as every other person I’d been with. Eventually I told her all of this. At first she was patient and loving but as soon as I told her that I thought she was no different from anyone else I’d been with things started to get really difficult. It triggered in her some of her deepest wounding around being enough. As I obsessed about this everyday for about 7 months intertwined were some pretty bad fights between us. She would stay with me up at night as I was going through it all. However, she also put down all the people who I started talking about. She got so angry that I was comparing her to these other people who I had spent little to no time with. She called them names, threatened to wreck my place while I was gone working , wanted to see my text exchanges with this last girl to see if I had treated them both the same, and was terrified at the idea that she’d been just another person in the long line of woman I’d walked away from. We went through the same arguments for months. I had anxieties that I was hurtful to so many woman, realizing how many people I’d just left. My partner held space a lot of the time but also had her own intense traumatic fears which resulted in hurtful behavior on her part. I am complicit too though. I see my part. I was hurtful in some of the ways I spoke to her as well. Neither one of us was intentionally trying to hurt one another, we just wanted to feel safe. My partners anger around this issue still scares me. There isn’t a lot of room to talk about it, although she’s grown tremendously in how she expresses her anger. It’s a lot less explosive and she’s also been willing to look at the parts of herself that have needed healing. These days most of our heated arguments come from me continually feeling the need to leave. I’ve packed my bags many times. However something has kept me here. We’ve gotten in physical altercations all initiated by this anxiety I have and talking about wanting to leave. I’ve taken back my love with her in speech many times and then she gets really upset with me.

    Along side all of this is the partner I’m with who has supported all my dreams and growth, who hasn’t cared what I’ve done or what I’m doing with my life but just wants me to be happy. She’s kind, caring and loving. Every day she wakes up with a smile and hug. She compassionate and understanding. She’s gone through tremendous trauma in her life and shines so brightly. I see these things but my mind keeps returning to our fights, and how something inside me doesn’t feel safe. I’ve been sitting with these feelings for almost a year now and I’m not sure what is mine, what are red flags, and what just is a call for healing. I’m so scared to have to say goodbye. I’m scared that I’ve known all along that this relationship isn’t right yet I keep staying. I’m scared that this is something that can’t be worked through. More than half the time I do want to leave. But I fee pulled back by something. Red flags are the biggest sticking point with my anxiety and I’m not sure what’s real from what my own fear is trying to convince me of. I feel pretty alone with this and scared to share it but I hope that someone can relate or shed some light.

    Reply
    • Dear Chris,
      I believe it must have been very hard for you to share your story. It seems to me that the bad behaviour on the part of your partner is the sign that she is scared of losing control. In my opinion, a good therapist would help greatly, since I believe that some traumatic events from the past are best dealt with the professional help. Also, how about showing this site to your partner? Maybe both of you could relate to some of the issues described by Sheryl and the People from the comments section. I hope you see this comment and find some support in it 🙂

      Reply
  44. Dear Chris,
    I believe it must have been very hard for you to share your story. It seems to me that the bad behaviour on the part of your partner is the sign that she is scared of losing control. In my opinion, a good therapist would help greatly, since I believe that some traumatic events from the past are best dealt with the professional help. Also, how about showing this site to your partner? Maybe both of you could relate to some of the issues described by Sheryl and the People from the comments section. I hope you see this comment and find some support in it 🙂

    Reply
  45. Hi Sheryl 🙂 I just signed up for your relationship anxiety course and have started going through the lessons. I came across this post and it did spike some anxiety in me. My wonderful, loving partner and I do not see completely eye to eye on all political and social issues. His views are not racist, homophobic or damaging in nature, but some of them do differ from my own. I have ruminated on many qualities recently, all of which have been unfounded, but this particular one has focused on whether or not it is okay to be with a partner that isn’t politically aligned with oneself? Politics have never been a source of argument, and if it has come up, it ends in “let’s agree to disagree.” Wondering if this is truly a red flag because of the topic of core values, or if this is just an intrusive thought surrounding personal identity. Thank you!

    Reply
  46. One thing I am really struggling with is the red flag about having children. I have struggled with anxiety and depression for 20 years (since my teens), and while I want children I am terrified I would be a bad mother/wouldn’t be able to competently care for them due to my mental health issues. I have essentially allowed fear to make the decision for me since everyone says, “If you’re not 100% sure about kids don’t do it.” I am in a loving, 2-year relationship with a partner who wants to have children with me (and has seen me through some difficult bouts of anxiety)…but I’m afraid my lack of certainty is a red flag.

    Reply
    • There’s no such thing as 100% certainty when it comes to life’s big decisions, especially around having kids. 80% is enough. And there’s nothing that says you can’t be an attuned mother even though you’ve struggled with anxiety and depression as long as you’re doing your own inner work.

      Reply
  47. Hi there, I’m struggling with the red flag of “unwilling to sacrifice yourself for another person”. I’m having intense ruminations about this as it relates to my wife, and I keep wondering if her actions show that she is unwilling to sacrifice herself for another person. I’m wondering if you could explain a bit more about what you mean here?

    Reply
  48. Is dating someone who is newly going through a divorce considered a red flag? If they are moving through the process and doing the work of tending to their inner world?

    Reply
    • Given how you asked the second question, this is not a red flag.

      Reply
      • Thank you. Would it be fair then to assume that RA is in the driver seat when I doubt whether or not I can be ok with this factor? Or if it doesn’t feel “right”.

        Reply
  49. i constantly have obsessive thaughts and anxiety revolving the fact that my parner dosent have a career goal and he is okay with working a simple job. we have been togheter for a year and a half and it botherd me from time to time, but now its all i think about. is that a red flag?

    Reply
  50. Hi Sheryl!

    I have a question about the red flag of not wanting to give up aspects of the single life in terms of time and commitments. Unfortunately, I feel like I fall into this category. Since I feel so distant from my partner, it has been hard for me to commit my time to him. I keep telling myself it is relationship anxiety, but I think in reality we just aren’t compatible. What do I do if I am the one with the red flags?

    Reply

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