How to Have the Greatest Sex of Your Life

by | Dec 20, 2020 | Anxiety, Sexuality | 18 comments

If ever there’s an area where we’re sold a bill of goods  – where we’re fed an impossible ideal and told what we “should” be feeling, doing, and thinking – it’s around sex.

Here’s what we’re told:

  • You should be having sex 2-3 times a week.
  • You should be having simultaneous orgasms with your partner.
  • The man should always be the high desire partner in a heterosexual partnership.
  • Sex only “counts” if it’s intercourse.
  • Desire should precede engaging sexually; in other words, you should “want” to have sex before you have it.
  • Vaginal orgasms should be effortless.
  • If you don’t experience all of the above, there’s something missing in your sexual connection.

Here’s the reality:

  • The frequency of sex varies widely for couples. The “right” amount is what works for the couple.
  • Having simultaneous orgasms is extremely rare.
  • There’s usually one high-drive partner and one low-drive partner. Either partner can be either of these.
  • Sex includes: kissing, touch, affection, sexual play, flirting, exploration, lying down naked together. Any kind of physical touch that you would only engage in with your partner is on the sexuality continuum.
  • Desire often does not precede having sex, especially for the low-desire partner, and that’s okay. Starting out sexuality neutral is quite common and doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you or your relationships.
  • When we statistically know that less than 30% of women are anatomically able to have vaginal orgasms, the myth that they’re common and should be effortless should be expunged from every media source. Furthermore, recent research shows that there’s no such thing as a “vaginal orgasm” at all, but that all orgasms for women are actually clitoral orgasms. This small bit of information can be life-changing for women who have spent years chasing after the unicorn of what we call “vaginal orgasms.”
  • Sexuality can be one of the most challenging aspects of an intimate relationship, and struggling with it in any way doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with your partnership.

 

Before we continue, what do you notice after reading through these two lists? Is any of this new information, and even if you’ve heard it before, what is it like to read it again?

So… how do you have the greatest sex of your life?

As always, there are many spokes to the wheel:

Rewire Sexual Expectations (Sexpectations? ;)): Anxiety often has its roots in expectations, which can be simmered down to one word: “should”. All of the points in the first list above are “shoulds”, and when you work to consciously let go of them by replacing them with the second list, you will find more inner freedom. As sexuality and feeling open inside are intimately linked, whatever we can do to release ourselves from the straightjacket of “shoulds” will have a direct effect on our sexuality.

Now, this isn’t easy, of course. Just like part of rewiring from relationship anxiety requires examining the messages you’ve been conditioned to believe since you were born around love, romance, and attraction and diligently bringing each subconscious expectation to light so that you can replace it with the truth, so rewiring from sexual shoulds requires the same. This is, as always, warrior work.

Examine Shame: Shame is a silencer, and when we’re caught behind shame’s walls it’s very difficult to open sexually. There are very few places where we carry more shame than around our sexuality. When we begin to work with this shame, gently and skillfully, we notice openings in our heart and body that often lead to sexual openings.

Focus on Connection: The single most important element of creating a fulfilling sex life is to remove the focus on orgasms and frequency and instead focus on connection. For sex is empty and perfunctory if it’s not rooted in connection, both within each of you as individuals and between the two of you.

What does this mean? It’s means that holding each other and kissing can be just as or more fulfilling than what we define as “sex.” It means that the sweet moment where you hugged each other for a full minute, bodies pressed closely together, before going to work for the day, can fill your relationship well with warm, clear water as you recalibrate to each other’s physical and emotional bodies. It means that learning about your own body, reducing your sexual and body shame, examining the roots of the beliefs you carry around sex, and receiving a new template rooted in health and love can connect you to your own sacred sexuality, which will naturally ripple into your relationship with your partner.

Let me be blunt: Sacred sexuality has nothing to do with orgasms and intercourse! It has nothing to do with positions or frequency or any of the lies you’ve been conditioned to believe about sex.

Rather, sacred sexuality hinges on the three elements above, and this is what we explore in Sacred Sexuality: A 40-day course for women to heal body shame and ignite desire. Through this extended course (most of my courses are 30 days), we gently and deeply excavate the roots of shame, examine the core beliefs that cause sexual shut down, and tap into the tenets that ignite desire. The beauty and power of going through this course with a group of dedicated, safe learners is unparalleled, for one of the most effective ways of reducing shame is when we dare to share our stories in the company of others and hear that we’re not alone. I only lead this course live once a year, so if you’re ready to reclaim your sexuality and learn about what it means to ignite true desire, I hope you’ll join us. The next round will start on January 9, 2021, and you can learn more here. 

Note: This course is for anyone who identifies as female, and can be taken whether or not you’re currently in a relationship. 

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18 Comments

  1. Will you ever be offering a version of this course for men? As a former SW-er, I’d really like to engage with my own expectations and anxieties around how I “should” present myself sexually — especially in feeling I “should” arrange my private sex life in a certain way before being worthy of an intimate, non-SW relationship.

    Reply
    • I wish I could but I generally offer courses and information on areas that I myself have lived, and there’s just no way that I can live through the male sexual experience!

      Reply
      • I’ll say almost everything you mentioned here other than the physical anatomy part applies to men as well and I thank you for it. It is good to learn these things though and continue to evolve my expectations with my partner.. I also feel like libidos can change sometimes. Drive can be circumstantial, especially in the times we’re in. Some days can feel so overwhelming that connected sex with a partner feels impossible.. but it’s good to learn that physical intimacy shouldn’t only mean intercourse.

        Reply
    • As a retired (female) SW-er myself I feel compelled to respond to your comment. Being many years on the journey of rediscovering myself and my sexuality I would love to connect. I finally feel in a healthy living place with my self, sex, partners etc… I have also done the sacred sexuality course with Sheryl thought it was a few years ago now.
      Would you be interested to connect and get on a call? @sheryl is it possible for you to connect us if so?

      Reply
  2. Thank you Sheryl! This article is amazing and so so true.

    Reply
    • I’m so glad it resonated :).

      Reply
  3. I’d like to know your source on the 30% of women are anatomically able to have vaginal orgasms, that’s not a figure I’ve heard before and I have to say I don’t agree. I’d like some research please. Thanks!

    Reply
  4. This is a very helpful blog. Thank you!

    Reply
  5. I took this course last year and really loved it. Met some amazingly supportive people in it, and Sheryl’s guidance and programme was super helpful. Highly recommend!!

    Reply
  6. i love this article and can really relate as that’s sex is something my anxiety is latching on to right now (with me being the less sexual partner)
    but how is it that i begin and am able to rewire my brain from all of the societal expectations that are ingrained in me regarding love and romance?! xx

    Reply
  7. I never realized before I moved in and got married how challenging sex would be. There are so many elements – drive, responsive/spontaneous desire, who initiates, masturbation preferences. Part of me still believes it should be easy and effortless like it used to be and I fall prey to these statistics of “normal” couples…or that I’m too young (27, together for 8 years) to be having these struggles, and what does it mean about the rest of our marriage? As a woman with high drive and spontaneous desire with a man with low drive and responsive desire, I find myself frustrated often. But I know I’m not alone at all, and more women in my position are sharing more (as there’s a lot of shame in being the sexual pursuer as a woman).

    Reply
  8. I am terrified that my reality is that I don’t have RA and that I am using that as an excuse to remain in a relationship that maybe I have outgrown. I get these thoughts and feelings about wanting to be free and not be married anymore. I feel like I want to be selfish and do whatever gives me pleasure in the moment. My husband is the only person I have been with sexually and I find myself wondering what it would be like to be free and not worry about being faithful to one person. I feel like my life has revolved around my relationship, I was 19 when we started dating. I feel like I missed out on so many things and don’t know if I’ll ever find peace unless I leave. I have so many thoughts running through my mind. You need to be single to find yourself. You need to leave. You are not the type of person suited for marriage. You need to be free and do whatever makes you happy and brings you pleasure. I also get the thought of “I don’t want to be married, this marriage is holding me back”. I have so much shame and guilt over having these thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I don’t know what is real anymore. I love my husband and I want this to go away.

    Reply
    • I have been with my husband since I was 15 and I have had similar thoughts in the past and experienced relationship anxiety (especially when transitions like purchasing a home or something was around the corner). I decided to stay with my husband and I don’t regret it at all. I think all people will have different experiences in their lives, and no one will be able to live through every experience (having multiple sexual partners, travelling the world, having children, having a big paying job etc). I realized that I am actually living through somehting right now that is very rare a lot of people never get to experience, growing up with my partner. I thought a lot about what I wanted more, a varied sexual experience or to live through my life with my best friend, and I decided that for me personally, that “free life” might seem great at first, but would get old and I would miss my husband and be really upset to watch him marry someone else and not be his special girl anymore. He’s my best friend and I feel like when i would have those anxious thoughts I wasnt “feeling” that appreciation for what we have in that moment. If somehting were to happen to him and I lost him tomorow , I would be totally lost and devastated. So I knew in my heart I wanted to be with him more than be on my own when I was really listening to that deep place in myself. I decided to seek out “freedom” in other ways and also noticed that the source of that feeling wasn’t just from being with only one partner, it was because I wasn’t engaged in enough of my own interests and didn’t have any separate life or hobbies or friends from him . I took a dance class, started painting, started talking to my own friends more and just created a bit of space for just me to explore myself on my own. That helped me with that sense of space and individuality.

      Reply
      • Thank you for your input Sasha. It helps to know that I am not the only one who has experienced these types of thoughts/feelings. They just feel so real sometimes, it makes me want to run away from my life. I am suffering from a really bad case of FOMO. I fear I missed out on a lot by being in a committed relationship at such a young age. I am 34 now and feel like I may have missed out. I feel unsettled and like there is something missing. I’m terrified that my only option is to leave my marriage.

        Reply
        • Hi Sandra,
          You’re definitely not alone! I had, and sometimes still have the same thoughts and FOMO.
          I’m with my husband since I was 19, and I’m now 33. He is the only person I’ve been with sexually. I know we are 2 out of many many men and women who go through this, and I know some people who broke great marriages cause of that, and after a while understood that there’s nothing more spacial outside. Of course each with their own experience, but if you have a great partner, who loves you and your imperfections, and is there for you no matter what, know that you might not find someone like this, cause it is rare…yes you can have a lot of experience with sex, but is it worth it? I swear , the grass is not greener outside. Work on your marriage, and yourself while still married, and you will be happier. It is very hard, I’m still working on it, but it is possible. Read a lot about it, and of course guidance is crucial.
          Good luck!

          Reply

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