“Physical attraction is not a firm foundation on which to build a relationship, for the simple reason that it is never constant. It sets in motion a cycle of expectation and disillusionment that can go on and on. The person who lives in a world of fantasy will often blame the other for letting him down.
“Perhaps, for example, Juliet expects Romeo to come to her balcony every morning and launch into, “It is the east, and you are the sun . . . .” Three days after the honeymoon, she feels crushed when she is greeted at breakfast with nothing more romantic than, “Where’s the toast?”
“Many relationships sputter because of just such inflated expectations, which demand of life something that it simply cannot give. We should not feel that close relationships are beyond our reach, but they are demanding. Through experience, we come to realize that in love nothing comes as easily as we expected. Everything beautiful has to be worked for.”
– Eknath Easwaran’s Thought for the Day
“Everything beautiful has to be worked for.”
Truer words were never spoken.
And yet this flies in the face of everything we’ve learned about love:
- Love should be easy.
- Conflict, if it exists at all, should be resolved tidily.
- We should always be attracted to our partners.
- We should always feel in love.
We shudder like Juliet in the imagined scenario in the above quote when love’s unromantic face shows itself, when butterflies flutter and fall to the ground and daily life unfolds, day after day after day. No grand romantic gestures. No sonnets written about you. Just life unfolding, playing out in the ordinary goodness that doesn’t receive top billing in Hollywood.
When the Butterflies Fade
What do we do, then, when butterflies fade, or if they were never there at all?
What do we do when fear shows itself, often in the form of bracing, withdrawing, or intrusive thoughts?
If we want to reveal the goodness of an ordinary life, we get down to work, addressing our fears and learning how to meet them, which means learning how to dance the line between the twin fears that show up in relationships: losing ourselves and losing our partner.
There is a roadmap for how to do this, but we don’t receive it in school. Our parents didn’t receive it, either, which means that it didn’t get passed down to us.
A Roadmap for Love: Love Laws and Loving Actions
There are Love Laws and Loving Action that, when practiced, soften fear and grow love, and it’s through this practice that real attraction and sustainable loving feelings shimmer up to the surface.
This is what I teach in Open Your Heart: A 30-day course to feel more love and attraction for your partner, and I’m thrilled to offering this course live for the first time in two years.
This was the first 30-day course that I created ten years ago, and when I reviewed it in anticipation of this re-release, I was delighted to discover that not only does it still hold water, but the information I share is corroborated by science. With the right mindsets and practices, science now teaches that we can rewire our brains and hearts in the direction of love
And it is a practice! Even if you’ve been with your partner for years, we can always use a primer and refresher on the Love Laws and Loving Actions that soften fear and grow love.
If you took this course ten years ago and are now knee-deep in young children, I invite you to join me again.
If you’ve been following my work for years and still struggle with the attraction spike, taking this course a second time will provide you with the reminders you need so that you can wire your brain toward goodness, peace, and satisfaction with yourself and with your partner.
And if you’ve never taken this course, come receive this simple yet powerful roadmap that will help you optimize true intimacy.
You can learn more about the course here. And, in honor of the 10-year anniversary and re-release, I’m offering it at a $50 discount. I look forward to seeing you there!