Among the many skewed messages that our culture disseminates about romantic love, attraction ranks high on the list.
Regarding romantic love, the culture tells us that we each have one soulmate and that we will “just know” when we meet that person (who is more like a unicorn.)
It tells us that meeting this person will rescue us from life’s messiness, that a Prince charming or a magnificent queen is coming to save us from pain, uncertainty, shame, you name it.
It convinces us that when we meet this fabled person, the relationship will play out with ease and without a shred of doubt.
When it comes to attraction, it tells us that physical appearance is the most important element of attraction, that attraction is skin deep, and that it has to do with ephemeral factors like “chemistry” and “pheromones”. We carry an idea that we all have an ideal type, and that if we are not with this type, we will forever spend our lives longing for this ideal.
What the culture fails to tell us is that attraction, like every facet of life, as multi-layered, complex, and mysterious. Embedded inside the mystery we can unpack some elements of attraction that are helpful to learn – and would have been helpful to receive earlier in life – so that we can approach the complexity of attraction armed with some bullet points of truth.
Some Truths about Attraction
Let’s unpack some truths about attraction:
Chemistry is important, but it’s not how the culture defines it. Chemistry is a felt sense of yes, where there is more yes energy than no. Yes is fueled by a spark, which itself is often fueled by some overlap of interests and alignment of core values. This doesn’t mean that you will share every interest nor does it mean that every core value will be aligned. We’re looking for an 80% overlap which, I’m sorry to tell you straight-A students, is actually a lot!
Respect is also another ingredient of attraction. Respecting someone’s character, their integrity, the way they think and the way they listen, the ideas they bring to a conversation, and the way they spend their time often translates into attraction.
Chemistry and respect combine to create connection, which is a cornerstone of attraction.
The bottom line is that the soul of a person is what emanates through their external features. When someone’s inner light shines brightly, it’s reflected on their face and features. This is what we’re attracted to.
It’s Not a Formula
The ingredients that comprise the recipe of attraction will be different for each person. For one person, the most important element might be passion, and I don’t mean that in a sexual way. I mean that the quality that draws you to somebody else is their curiosity about the world and their passion for the things that light them up. For somebody else, the most important element might be a sense of comfort and safety, that place of home that I often talk about.
As most of us are visual beings, you can find someone attractive without being attracted to them. In other words, you can find their features aesthetically pleasing, but you’re not drawn to who they are as a person. I’m sure we’ve all had the experience of finding somebody visually pleasing only to have them open their mouth and be turned off by what comes out of it.
We must also keep in mind that when it comes to romantic love and attraction (and life) we’re not going to get it all: there will always be something that we must throw into the sacrificial fire of saying yes to one person and no to everybody else.
The Myth of a Type
Let’s talk about type.
The culture sends a message that we each have a type, and that if we’re straying from that type, we’re straying from our ideal, which can also be translated as the person we’re meant to be with and will be happiest with.
I understand type as a shorthand for archetype, meaning the inner template of an animus or anima figure that we’re longing to unite with to bring us closer to wholeness. Carl Jung used the terms anima and animus to describe the inner opposite energy of your particular identified gender. If you identify as female, your animus figure will be a masculine figure, and vice versa. If you identify as non-binary, there are updated, post-jungian animix theories emerging that expand the binary model.
We often project this inner longing outwardly onto another person and assume that’s our “type” when, in fact, that image is representative of an inner figure that needs attention. There may be some overlap between an inner archetype and the qualities we’re attracted to in a partner, but those transcend a physical image.
It’s Complicated
Attraction is complicated because human beings are complicated. But it’s made more complicated than it needs to be because our culture fails to teach us the basics of romantic love, instead emphasizing the superficial and ephemeral qualities of attraction.
What has your experience with attraction been?
I was attracted to my now husband when I was pursuing him initially, but a year later when my crush on him was over and he pursued me I did not find him attractive. I often wish that we would have gotten together when I pursued him so I could have that attraction and excitement and “certainty”, but since we got together when he pursued me I’ve been left with a lot of attraction spikes, no sparks, little chemisty, more “no” than “yes” and I’ve been so unhappy. I was young and didn’t know all that I know now but wish I could have had something FEEL right for me at the start so I could continue this relationship in confidence rather than the constant struggles of lack of attraction and spark, etc.
This mainly pertains to physical attraction now that I’m reading it back. I do have trouble finding him attractive as a person though too. Sometimes I loveee who he is and other times I’m overwhelmed by his outgoing personality
Hi Kris,
I haf a huge crush on my partner of 10 years when I was 19. We got together when I was 23, when I didn’t have a crush any more and we were just friends. This friendship naturally became a relationship that just worked.
I have had a similar longing for the experience of falling in love with all the sparks. I am attracted to my partner most of the time now, but I struggled with this for the first 5 years or so. I think attraction has since been built on gratitude for him as a good man and how supportive he is of me. We respect one another. We spend time together to build emotional intimacy (I think this is most important for us). Physical intimacy ebbs and flows but we talk about it and always find out way back even with months between. I understand the pain of that lost longing.
My guess is that even if you had started the relationship with confidence, as soon as the chase was over and he became available the underlying blocks would have arisen. Marriage, to some degree, is a process of softening those blocks so that we can see through clear eyes and connect with the heart’s truth.
My experience with attraction is that it changed over time. My “type” changed because I took 3 years of singleness in my early/ mid 20s to figure out why I made poor choices in the past. I didn’t necessarily find all the answers in that time, but I did find self-forgiveness, and I inadvertently matured. When I met my husband at the right time, my soul knew he was special. But my brain had other things to say and I went through a massive bout of relationship anxiety. I took Sheryl’s course and that helped a lot, but we’re 5 years into our marriage (and nearly 8 into our relationship) and of course, it’s still a journey. Love, marriage, parenting, and all the obstacles that come with those things are part of our spiritual journey.
Thank you for your comment, N, and yes it’s always a journey. I’m curious if you could say more about how your “type” has changed. I think it would be helpful for others reading.
Does anyone find that their attraction to their spouse ebbs and flows? Like .. one moment you think they are the most attractive person on earth and then the next you don’t so much.. especially in long term marriage? My experience has been that I find my husband attractive some times but not attractive other times in terms of appearance. However, I am attracted to who he is as a person.
I’m considering someone right now for marriage but I’m struggling. He is safe and kind, we share interests and values, but…I don’t get excited for our meetings. I don’t enjoy myself when we are spending time together, and I feel like the meetings are more of a chore or at best a useful intellectual conversation with an acquaintance. I don’t want anything more.
I can’t find a logical reason for my lack of excitement or “chemistry”. I wonder if this is a valid lack of chemistry and so I should call it off, or if it’s a mis-programming and so l should ignore my reluctance and just keep going.
Rafeef: It’s tempting to seek quick answers on the internet, but for situations like this I recommend a deep process of self-exploration so you can uncover the roots of the lack of excitement. This is best done through journaling, therapy, and reading.
Totally normal, Kat. I’ve written about this aspect of attraction in many other posts, and Victoria and I discussed it in the Gathering Gold episode linked in this post.
Sheryl, thank you for this post. I am a 75-year old male in a marriage of 39 years and have struggled mightily with these themes during my marriage. I am currently taking your Relationship Anxiety course and am blown away by how many nails you have hit on the head for me. I am halfway through the course and have found it immensely insightful, comforting, and helpful. I’ve always known that my relationship issues were a function of my baggage and that the onus was on me to “fix” myself, but finding the right pathway to healing has not been clear nor easy. Your work, coupled with the Awareness Work I’ve done, have been a godsend to me. Thank you.
I’m so glad the course has been helpful, George, and that you’re taking the courageous step of committing to your inner work. It’s never too late to grow!
Dear Sheryl,
Your article resonated with me profoundly. After 21 years together (and 3 years married) with my best friend and life partner, I can confirm that a committed, long-term bond is the most fertile ground for personal growth.
Far from being a linear path, it has been a constant paradox: the security of the bond gave me the courage to expand, while its most painful crises forced me to look inward and heal. The relationship has been both a pillar and a mirror: the support from which to listen to my yearnings, and the space where my wounds were activated so I could see and work on them. This encapsulates the essence of my experience.
When I met my now-husband, he wasn’t my “type.” I was drawn to his uniqueness, his intelligence, and his creative mind. Over time, I understood that unconscious wounds also bound us, leading to an intense and dramatic phase. That crisis, however, was a doorway. It led us—especially me—to deep work in introspection, emotional regulation, and brutal honesty. As a result, our entire dynamic transformed, and we reached a more conscious and authentic level of connection.
Today, with our children grown and living the nomadic lifestyle we always dreamed of, we continue to deepen our bond. The pursuit of understanding the psyche, attachment, and conscious communication has enriched our connection in a beautiful and unexpected way.
Currently, I am focused on cultivating assertiveness to transcend patterns of aggression and passivity. While listening to your podcast, you mentioned EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy), and I was fascinated. If you or anyone in the community has recommendations for books or resources on EFT or assertive communication in relationships, I would receive them with gratitude. I am also very interested in resources on parenting highly sensitive adult children with emotional difficulties, a topic that is now very close to our hearts.
Thank you for putting words to these profound experiences we often feel but don’t always know how to name. Your work is, without a doubt, a lighthouse. Esmeralda
Thank you for your comment. You put into words the kind of bond that I long for, but unfortunately have not found yet. I’m currently going through a period of deep internal uncertainty about what I want in life. I am in my mid 30s and I feel I need to decide soon whether I wish to have children or not.
Your comment reminded me that a partner with whom to share a deep spiritual and emotional bond like the one you have with your husband has always been my first priority. If I had that, with or without children, I know I would be content. Unfortunately I don’t feel that kind of bond with my current parent. I have tried many times to encourage mutual introspection, to open channels for deeper, more meaningful communication between us, but I’ve always been met with resistance from him. He does not naturally engage in this kind of ‘work’. That makes me feel disconnected from his soul, and that in turn makes it hard for me to feel respect and love for him. Which is really sad, because I now that in his own way he loves me very much. But I am not sure I can ever reach that level of connection in this relationship and wonder if I should just give up and look somewhere else.
How did you and your husband achieve this kind of bond? Was it difficult at the start, was there resistance, or are you both naturally prone to introspection and open communication?
Ana, I just want to say that I could’ve written your comment. I resonate with every single word you wrote. I find that this is such a challenging, confusing place to be in. I wish I had the answer for us both. <3
Dear Ana,
Thank you for your kind and sincere message. I can feel the tenderness and uncertainty in what you’re sharing. Standing at a crossroads—especially around partnership and motherhood—can be deeply unsettling, and it takes courage to name what your heart truly longs for.
Your question about how my husband and I built our bond is important. In my experience, love is essential, but it’s not always enough on its own—especially because our understanding of love can also be shaped by our wounds and projections. As a Zen nun once told me, a bird needs two wings to fly: one is love, and the other is wisdom. For me, that wisdom comes through a long-term commitment to self-inquiry and inner work—reading, studying, listening, and, above all, trying to live what I learn. It’s a continuous, imperfect, but deeply meaningful process.
What I’ve learned is that when I change from within—when I understand myself better, tend to my wounds, regulate my emotions, act with greater clarity, and operate from a more authentic love—my experience of the relationship changes too. Often not because the other person transforms dramatically, but because the way I relate to them becomes more grounded and open.
My husband isn’t naturally inclined toward shared introspection or talking about emotions, much like what you describe. What has mattered is mutual respect: he respects how important growth and emotional awareness are to me, and over time he has learned to meet me in his own way. Sometimes that looks like patience rather than words, or quiet support rather than shared analysis. In difficult moments—especially during challenging phases of motherhood—he has even chosen to read or learn alongside me, not because it comes naturally to him, but because he cares about me and sees how important it is to me.
What feels important to share is this: we can only do our own inner work. When there is love, respect, and a basic willingness to grow, that inner work often becomes an invitation for the relationship to deepen in its own time and way. As Sheryl often teaches, the path is to grow and to pay loving attention—both to your own heart and to the health of the bond.
I’m sending you warmth and encouragement as you continue listening to what wants to grow within you and within your relationship.
Thank you, Esmeralda, for your wise and beautifully worded reply.
What you say makes a lot of sense. When we change ourselves, the way we perceive the world, other people and our relationships also changes (even if they themselves may not have changed at all). I have definitely experienced this many times myself.
I like what you say about respect too. It’s about accepting what is (or isn’t) important to the other person, even if we ourselves may not feel the same, and meeting them halfway. This is a big part of what love is, for me. Although I admit I am not always good at this myself. I often resist and push and pull when something is not how I think it ‘should’ be.
Another thing I struggle with is accepting that some people (especially my partner) simply may not want or be ready to do their own inner work. Without wanting to brag, I think because I do a lot of reading and reflecting myself, over time I’ve become quite good at reading other people and seeing the ways they sabotage their own happiness (in many ways it’s easier to observe others than it is to observe ourselves) and I am sometimes too keen to share my ‘insights’, often causing the opposite effect of what I wanted, with them closing off and resisting growth even more.
We definitely can only do our own work. We cannot do the work for others. And I think I need to get better at managing my expectations when it comes to this.
Thank you again so much for your wise insights. I wish you too all the best on your ongoing journey towards your true self.
Thank you, Esmerelda. How beautiful that your relationship has been a source of so much growth for both of you.
Regarding EFT: I always recommend starting with Sue Johnson’s book “Hold Me Tight.”
thanks a lot Sheryl
My experience with attraction has always, in my opinion, had a spiritual component. I just get a feeling about somebody, and for me it’s usually instantaneous (although I have doubted that initial moment several times). I’ve only had one attraction turn into deep love for somebody, but I knew there was something about him the moment I met him. For me, it’s the first time I’ve ever had the experience of every time I see him thinking “god he’s so beautiful.” And when I say that, I don’t just mean physically. It is his entire being. I can’t even fully put it into words.
And, a big part of which sounds odd cause I don’t mean it in a way of I find him boring, but it is really easy for me to fall asleep in his presence. It’s like my nervous system sighs when I’m around him. Normally I can’t sit still, but if he’s in the room, I don’t have to be doing anything. It’s kinda wild.
The unfortunate part is that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship (and that’s a long complicated story).
I also don’t mean to sound like the trope, that’s just been my experience.
I do think that at the core true attraction is a spiritual experience – by which I mean something that transcends this physical realm. That doesn’t mean there isn’t a physical component, but the inner light is what shines through the body, and that’s what we’re largely responding to.
Thank you for this article, Sheryl. It strikes me what you say about our type being a sort of ‘collage’ of those qualities that we feel are lacking in ourselves and that to make us whole as a human being.
Does this mean we should try to identify what those qualities are and cultivate them in ourselves first?
Yes, that’s exactly what I mean :).
I really don’t want to spike anyone when I say that I am extremely physically attracted to my wife. Some might find the following interesting, however. I met my wife at work. When we met, I was in a work ‘frame of mind’; I wasn’t on a date, or looking to hook up. I was at work. Given this, I barely even noticed what my wife looked like. We chatted, and conntect massively on a conversational level, but when we met up on an actual date a week or so later, I had trouble picturing her face in my mind.
I think this says something about attraction being related to context. The more I work on our relationship, the more attracted I become. I am way more attracted now than I was in the early days, 11 years ago.
I hope this helps some people. Attraction doesn’t just happen – you can work on it and develop it.
Thanks, Joshua. I would be surprised if this spiked anyone. Attraction can start in all kinds of ways: sometimes it’s there right at the beginning and sometimes it grows over time. And sometimes it’s just not there at all, which I understand as an indicator that the connection isn’t there. (If anything spikes folks reading, it will be that statement!) And yes, attraction can definitely be related to context, as your beginning elucidates.
A lot of my issues with attraction stem from what my partner isn’t, and comparison to times where I have felt that for someone else. “If he were like this, I’d feel that spark/lust/etc”. I nitpick so many elements of his personality, traits, and mannerisms. I do have physical attraction spikes as well, but my most sticky are the ones that tell me he’s not my type on an emotional/personality level. Sometimes there IS a sense of “no” and depending on how intense my anxiety is, that can be very loud. There have been many “yes” moments as well.
That said, my partner and I have an amazing oatmeal kind of love, and I do yearn to be near him and enjoy his company more than anyone’s. But my spike is always to do with how much or how little I desire him sexually (especially compared to others).
Any advice, Sheryl? I’ve made some great progress with your work over the last year, but reading this for some reason made me feel like maybe we don’t have the right recipe based on the line “The ingredients that comprise the recipe of attraction will be different for each person.” We’ve been together for 16 years, so the stakes are high for me!
The sexuality spike is quite common, especially since we’re fed so many faulty narratives about how we think we should feel sexually. After 16 years, you’re not likely to have that “I just gotta have you” feeling that comes at the beginning, or with unavailable partners. I will be running my Sacred Sexuality course live in a few weeks, so if that’s of interest keep your eye out for it. There is a significant aspect of our sexual desire that becomes muted as a result of growing up in a shame-based culture, and that’s what the course helps to name and heal.
Overall, I think I’m drawn to who my partner is as a person. Our relationship took a fair while to develop, and I never quite felt that instant physical attraction in my body. But I accept that attraction ebbs and flows. Sometimes, though, I find it a bit tricky with the ‘respect’ side of things, because there are bits of his personality I don’t really like — and maybe reading this dont respect them either and that contributes to the times of lack of attraction?. But I’ve decided they’re not dealbreakers. And when Im not in an anxious state they don’t bother me as much. So, how do you go about building respect for the parts of your partner’s personality that you find challenging?
You don’t have to respect the parts you find challenging. All you need to do is accept that we’re never going to like everything about our partner, but if you’re close to the 80/20 ratio – meaning you like/respect most things about him – you’re doing fine.
Hi Ellie,
I just read your comment and I totally understand you! I have been with my partner for 20 yeara and my biggest concern is always how much I desire him and find him physically attractive. Also, I’m constantly nitpicking and internally comparing him to other men. I know this energy I bring to the relationship is negative and harmful and he doesn’t deserve it because he’s the most loving partner. So I feel terrible and full of shame!
See my comment to Ellie above!
Thank you Sheryl, for the lovely article! I find it interesting how people with an anxious disposition can grab onto certain topics. For me, it’s never been attraction, instead I often struggle with uncertainty and how I ”should feel” towards my partner. So when I read your articles that are related to those two topics, I tend to look for some hidden truths, something that will give me relief. Whereas when I read this article, I just think ”huh, interesting, I’ve never thought about it”. The human mind is a very interesting thing 🙂
It certainty is :).