Love is a Skill

DSCF3464One of my Conscious Weddings E-Course members sent me a beautiful article about real love. It was written by a Buddhist nun named Ayya Khema, author of “Being Nobody, Going Nowhere”, and is full of nuggets and gems about the true nature of the heart and what we believe about loving. As she wrote:

“If we were aware that we all contain love within us, and that we can foster and develop it, we would certainly give that far more attention than we do. In all developed societies there are institutions to foster the expansion of the mind, from the age of three until death. But we don’t have any institutions to develop the heart, so we have to do it ourselves….

“If we see quite clearly that love is a quality that we all have, then we can start developing that ability. Any skill that we have, we have developed through practice. If we’ve learned to type, we’ve had to practice. We can practice love and eventually we’ll have that skill.”

Clearly, this flies in the face of everything we’ve been culturally conditioned to believe, feel, and act upon. We believe love is only a feeling; we believe we either have “it” or we don’t; we wait for “the one” to ignite our inner fire and are devastated when either that never happens or it does happen and then fizzles. We believe the love happens to you, that all you need to do is physically show up and the feelings of love will wash over you if you’re with the right person. We believe that the couples who seem effortlessly loving toward each other have achieved this state of happiness without effort.

What a radical shift in mindset to see love as a skill that you can learn and cultivate, like tending a garden or playing tennis.

What a cultural shift to view love as a practice, the way people practice meditation or martial arts.

What does it mean to “practice love”?

If you’re longing for more love and connection with your partner, this shift in mindset will be a tremendous relief. But it also requires that you let go of your cultural conditioning that says that someone else can “make” you feel alive, connected, attracted, and in love and instead be willing to take full responsibility for your aliveness and fulfillment. If you’re willing to take the responsibility, then all you need to learn are the steps that will open your heart.

But where to learn these steps to feel more love and attraction?

Who will teach them to you? Is there a book? A manual?

The Buddhist nun who I quoted above would say that the path is through meditation, that it’s through a daily practice that you begin to connect to the natural state of the heart, which is love. While I wholeheartedly agree, I also know that many people who find me aren’t in a place in their life where they can devote the sufficient time and energy to a daily meditation practice that will result in a softening of the heart. It’s a beautiful path, a time-honored path, a proven path, but it’s not a path that everyone is drawn to take.

In my new program, “Open Your Heart: A 30 day program to feel move love and attraction for your partner“, I’ll be offering another path in which I’ll be teaching you specific Love Laws and Loving Actions that will help you open your heart.

These Love Laws are not hard to learn and will require about 10-15 minutes a day of your time. In a community of like-minded and compassionate people, you’ll be guided through these love laws and inspired to share your journey with others who are also desiring more love and attraction with their partner. Many of these people have taken my Conscious Weddings E-Course, and I can personally attest to their wisdom, compassion, and insight. Through the private Open Your Heart Forum, you’ll be able to connect with them directly, and the buddy that I pair you with will also encourage you along.
If love is a skill (instead of a feeling, a random experience, a stroke of good luck, or destiny), wouldn’t you want to discover how to develop and practice this skill? Join me as I show you the way!

Space is limited and spots are filling quickly, so click here to learn more, sign up, and join me!

19 comments to Love is a Skill

  • Bettina

    Wonderful! Reading that article, my heart opened already without doing anything…:-) Thank you!!!

  • Kim

    Mine opened up too .. i have found a beautiful guy that treats me like a princess but I’m not fully attracted to him but his soul and personality is wonderful and he makes me happy . I’m trying to chose to love him n trying to forget the outside cause I believe we can make a happy future together .

    • It sounds like you’ve found a great guy, Kim. Now to un-do the cultural programming that is trying to convince you to see his externals over his essence!

  • Katrina

    I feel like I am in a similar situation to Kim and so am VERY excited to take this course.
    Its so empowering to hear that all we need is within us. Very much looking forward to working with you again Sheryl.

  • Sam

    Sheryl i want to share some thing i ve been experiencing:
    1: i get anxious when i think that i will get anxious and fearful when i ll go to bed at night.
    2: i get anxious when i recall previous days of my anxiety.
    3: i get anxious when i think if this anxiety will not end.

  • Sam

    Most of the time i get anxious just because i start remembring those moments when i was in fear and anxiety and it creates that fearful feeling again.. When i try to remain in present i never feel anxious…

  • Andrea R.

    I have always wondered what our world would be like if we spent just as much time teaching children “love laws” as we do teaching them traditional academics. Reading, science, and math are obviously important for survival in the world, but learning how to create and sustain a variety of healthy, loving relationships is essential for maintaining employment, creating loving families, and solving global problems more peacefully. It goes without saying that it nurtures the most important relationship we have: to our self/spirit. I am hapy to be participating in the 30-day program and know that it will not only benefit my romantic relationship, but everything else in my life as well.

    • Beautifully articulated, Andrea. I’ve had the exact same thoughts: what a different world we would live in if mindfulness and heartfulness were taught in school!

  • Sam

    Sheryl please reply to my above comments. I neef your help

  • Sam: As I’ve commented to other people, this blog is not a place to receive ongoing support for your anxiety. If you’re needing support, I suggest that you seek local counseling.

  • Hayley

    I’d love to take this course but I can’t afford it. Is there any chance you would do a cheaper course which is maybe a read only forum and learning the love skills?

  • Kristy

    Soooooo encouraging to read this 🙂

  • MEG

    I’ve been looking around for authentic quotes for my wedding ceremony reading, and my fiance and I heard a great one last night while watching The Office. If you’re familiar with the program, Jim says this to Dwight in the series finale to help him take a leap of faith into loving another character on the show (and I really feel that it captures all of the ups and downs us HSPs go through during our engagements):

    “All i know is that every time I’ve been faced with a tough decision… there’s only one thing that outweighs any decision. Only one thing that will make you go beyond any instinct, every rational calculation… It’s Love.
    You’ve got to forget about all the other stuff… you’ve got to forget about logic, and fear, and doubt, you’ve just got to do everything you can to get to that one person who’s going to make it all worth it. At the end of the day, you’ve just got to jump.”

    (please note that this is not a direct quote… I quickly wrote it out as I watched).

    Thought you all might enjoy this!

  • OK this is probably my anxiety talking and the fact that I have a hard time with “gray area” in life. But what if you are attracted to your partner but sometimes you dont feel connected- does that mean you arent connected to his soul? And cant you still project and push away an attactive man the same if they were unattractive

    • “And cant you still project and push away an attactive man the same if they were unattractive”

      Absolutely! Projection happens all the time and has little to do with attraction or lack of attraction. It’s coming from inside of you.