We’re living in a time when paradigms and systems are being exploded. We finally understand that there are many ways to love and be in a body and identify oneself. And, as deeply entrenched mindsets shatter, the pendulum of cultural discourse often swings between two extremes, especially in an age when the internet gives the most provocative opinions the most attention. Social media rewards statements like “Marriage is a patriarchal scam” or “Women should stay home” far more than nuanced arguments about household labor and institutional history.
The TikTok Message
TikTok videos might lead you to think that the majority of young, cisgender, heterosexual women now believe:
- It’s better to be single.
- If I have a boyfriend, I’m doing it wrong, I’m dependent and naive.
- If I’m in a monogamous, heterosexual relationship, I’m playing into the patriarchy.
- Marriage is an outdated model with roots in patriarchy and if you get married you’re supporting patriarchal ideology.
- Monogamy is inherently restrictive and, as a product of patriarchy, is designed to prevent women from being sexually free.
- You must live out your unlived lives, which means breaking up with your loving partner.
At the same time, the internet is also rife with videos pronouncing the “trad wife” lifestyle as the ideal: a meticulously curated, aestheticized vision of domestic bliss predicated upon women eschewing careers (while many of these influencers are, in actuality, highly successful business women).
The Reality
These messages and images are not reflective of most people’s opinions or reality. After all, even Elizabeth Gilbert has recently spoken publicly and at length about how her journey of Eat Pray Love (which gave rise to many an anxious spiral about needing to find oneself by leaving one’s relationship), was, in many ways, repeating her usual patterns of what she now sees as sex and love addiction.
For someone struggling with relationship anxiety who’s trying to live in alignment with their values, it’s easy to fall into a cesspool of doubt if you believe the message that, for example, marriage is inherently “bad” and that by choosing this path you’re in some way supporting the patriarchy; equally, that the only “good” mother is one who wakes at dawn to bake sourdough bread, feed the chickens–and, oh yes, somehow set up the perfect shot of the sun rising through the golden meadow outside her front door.
For most women I talk to, marriage with a loving, respectful partner is a source of stability and support that encourages them to venture out of their comfort zone and be the fullest version of themselves. I speak firsthand when I say that I wouldn’t be doing most of what I do professionally without the unconditional and unwavering support of my husband.
Are there still unspoken contracts that many heterosexual couples fall into around invisible load, especially when it comes to caring for children or sexual expectations? Absolutely. It can be challenging and exhausting to name and rewrite those contracts, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be done. If we’re going to continue to evolve as a species, we must be willing to explode those restrictive contracts so that men, women, and people of all genders can move toward freedom.
The Medicine is Self-Trust
The medicine for much of anxiety, including relationship anxiety, is self-trust.
Just because it was Elizabeth Gilbert’s path in Eat, Pray, Love doesn’t mean it’s your path.
Just because it was Cheryl Strayed’s path in Wild doesn’t mean it’s your path.
Just because it was Glennon Doyle’s path in Untamed doesn’t mean it’s your path.
Just because an influencer’s path looks so much more beautiful and pristine, that doesn’t mean it’s a real path.
It’s essential to remember that there are many ways to live a fulfilling, authentic life. There are many ways to eat, pray, and love. There are many ways to be wild and untamed. There are many ways to nurture and create a beautiful life.
When you have enough self-trust you can read these books or Instagram captions and say, “That’s their path but it doesn’t mean it’s my path.”
You can also take what resonates with you from the books and posts and leave the rest. Black-and-white thinking is a hallmark of the anxious mind, which means when you read a book or hear a story about someone who leaves a marriage, if the anxious mind is in the driver’s seat you’ll likely respond with some version of, “What if that’s me?”
But when you return to the core of you, which often requires slowing down and sitting still, you can return to clear-seeing and self-trust. And this is where your true power lies.
* Gratitude to Victoria for helping me with this post and always bringing nuance and wisdom to the collective discourse.
Sheryl, do you have any reading or listening recommendations for the father wound in women?
The father wound can show up in a variety of ways: abandonment, enmeshment, abuse, neglect. Is there a particular aspect of the father wound that you’re interested in learning more about?
I wholeheartedly agree. Having a stable and loving partnership has been a key that has allowed me to soar and do so many things that without his unconditional love and support I wouldn’t have dreamed of doing. As always, your post is right on point. 🙂
Thank you, Sarah. A healthy partnership is such a blessing.
Oh my goodness, reading this felt like a huge exhale. Eat, Pray, Love genuinely contributed to spikes of my relationship anxiety off and on for years. It is very validating to read about Elizabeth Gilbert’s sex and love addiction recovery.
I am always so grateful for your work Sheryl! Thank you.
I’m so glad it was helpful, Meg!
Thank you so much for writing this post! I’ve been battling with these same thoughts for quite some time – triggered by social media. Meshing two fantasies together. “I must go to New York (and therefore leave my partner because he doesn’t want to move) so that I can live up to my fullest potential.” I’ve somehow convinced myself that my life here is too small and the only way to feel fulfilled is to leave. It feels like torture battling these thoughts every day and unable to feel present in my life. I have the Relationship Anxiety course which I’ve attempted to complete several times but never quite make it through.
The New York fantasy is VERY common. If you haven’t already, I recommend listening to the Gathering Gold episode on unlived lives that I linked to in this post. The fear of one’s life being “too small” is rampant, and made worse by the mainstream messages. The largeness of a life has much more to do with our capacity to love and be loved than where we live. It’s an inner largeness that we feel when we’re connected to ourselves, our loved ones, and life itself.
I’m 44 years and after 6 years of doing intentional inner work. I am now on my 3rd relationship that I’ve ever had as an adult. He is very clear he wants to marry me.
He has 3 kids and is a widower of 5 years. This week as I contemplate going back to teaching after 3 years away, I thought I’d my life just going in the same loop. And even more concerning, if I get married will that be enough? All my life I was pursuing being great but I also desired marriage, companionship and a family. They feel on the horizon. But it almost feels lonely. Maybe even too small. Is this normal?
The theme of “too small” comes up a lot in my work, and even in the comments on this thread. See my response to Gen above and notice where that lands in you.
I’m in a relationship of 7 years and I recently got engaged. I’ve struggled with relationship anxiety throughout my entire relationship and always wondered if he was holding me back from being “free”. I’ve never truly experienced being single because we started dating right after high school but I’ve been doing so much self work recently (especially after getting engaged and my anxiety spiked) and now I am feeling more and more grateful for my partner everyday because I know how much he loves and supports me.
Sheryl your work has opened my eyes in all the ways I’ve been holding myself back from really loving my partner and I appreciate what you are doing. (And you too Victoria!)
This is so good to read, Tamar. I’m so glad that doing your inner work has allowed you open to the gratitude for your loving partner!
Thank you for elaborating further on this subject.
A large part of the anxiety-inducing elements of this topic lies in the way it undermines my confidence in myself as a woman. As a historian, I have conducted extensive research into the lives of marginalised groups in the past. Power dynamics and inequalities only become visible when we dedicate study to their lives and apply new words, concepts, and theories to them, after they have long been invisible, unspoken, or actively erased. Yet precisely because of this experience, I am aware of how many patterns remain invisible. It is, perhaps, a historical variant of what your work describes as making the unconscious conscious. This creates a constant state of existential alertness in me and a lack of confidence in myself and my relationship. What is happening in my relationship that I do not yet know or am not yet aware of? I begin to approach myself as the subject of my own historical study, and it is exhausting.
Your reminder that anything overly focused on cognitively can become a distraction from what is happening emotionally within me is important. I choose to trust that my expression of feminism is just as brave and valid. In my heterosexual relationship with a progressive and caring man, I deeply believe that it can serve as a microcosm and a practice for a more healing society. A society in which the vulnerability of everyone is given space, in which unfair and automatic role patterns are challenged, and in which relationships function as a form of protection for each other’s hearts, allowing for the letting go of defence mechanisms that keep people apart and polarised.
Thank you for this incredibly thoughtful and wise comment, Y. I love how you begin with the worry in the first paragraph, then respond from your own wise self in the second.
Reading your articles when I’m deep in an anxious spiral is always the healing balm I need! Thank you for being a safe space for so many of us who feel a bit alone in our anxious feelings, and thank you for sharing about topics that I sometimes feel ashamed to admit out loud!
🥰🙏🏽