At the core of relationship anxiety is the doubt about enough:
- • Is my partner attractive enough?
- • Am I in love enough?
- • Do we have enough intellectual stimulation?
- • Is there enough emotional connection?
- • Are they social enough?
As I’ve stated in many blog posts, the rumination on “enough” is often a projection of one’s own sense of inadequacy, an outward focus on the inner shame of, “Am I enough?” It’s also a protection against the risk of loving: If we convince ourselves that our partner isn’t enough, we don’t have to take the risk of love.
But when we put fear, shame, and relationship anxiety aside, we’re left with a valid question: what is enough in romantic love? In other words, since we’re not going to match with everyone, how do we determine if we’re with a well-matched partner, someone with whom we can build a fulfilling relationship for years to come?
Can I Make it Work With Anyone?
To respond to this question, I’m going to reference two blog posts.
The first is called Can I Make it Work with Anyone?, which you can find here. I originally wrote the post in 2013 and updated it in 2024 with the following preamble:
When people find their way to my work, they sometimes wonder if my intention is to convince people to stay with someone with whom they’re not well-matched. It’s an understandable question, as I do believe that the mainstream messages about “the one” and being “madly in love” and having zero doubt encourage people to leave solid, loving, well-matched relationships far too often.
However, that doesn’t mean that you can make it work with anyone, nor should you stay with someone with whom you’re not well-matched. As I explain in the post below, there is an element of relationship that hinges on connection. Like attraction, connection can be grown, and, as I explain in this post, there are many reasons why connection might be occluded.
But, at the end of the day, underneath fear, we must have a basic foundation of friendship, a sense of home, shared core values, and the feeling of truly liking of one another in order to keep going with the tough work of love. With these elements in place, and a desire in both people to learn about love through the vessel of the relationship, we can work through almost anything and there’s no reason to walk away.
The Unsung Ingredient of a Healthy Relationship
The second post I’ll direct you to is called “The Unsung Ingredient of a Healthy Relationship.” Bonus points if you can guess what the “unsung ingredient” is before reading the post! And here I’ll highlight the comments section, which always offers illumination and validation on these sticky topics.
Anne on November 1, 2015
Prior to marrying my husband, I worried if I was attracted to him “enough” because I didn’t feel those fireworks I felt with guys who were all wrong for me. Being with my husband felt like (and still feels like) my favorite cozy pair of sweat pants – comforting, warm, soothing, and familiar. I told a good friend after the first date that I thought my husband and I would end up being “just” friends, and her reply was, “So you’re going to marry him. You’ve been on a string of Match.com dates and you’ve never said you want to be friends with the other men.” She was right and so are you. 🙂
Julia on November 1, 2015
Hi Sheryl! What a lovely post! I’ve been reading you for years and read your book and took your e-course. And this past June I got married – happily and with a wide open heart 🙂 I’m 52 years old and this was my first marriage. Prior, I had many distorted beliefs including misconceptions of love and marriage. Many of your posts helped me, and I’ve learned to transition more easily over the years. We both really enjoy our friendship – and it’s the foundation. Thank you!
When There are Red Flags
The caveat to having “enough” is if there are true red flags. You can have connection and friendship, and still struggle with areas that would make a loving, long-term relationship very challenging. I’ve written at length about red flags, including here and in the course.
Here’s a comment on the second linked post above that points to potential red flags:
Michelle on November 2, 2015
Hi Sheryl,
I have a lot of anxiety about my relationship and am considering doing your course. I see a therapist already too. I got divorced and jumped into my current relationship soon after. He drinks every day and isn’t responsible with money. We are great friends a lot of the time but both go through so many ups and downs and don’t seem to connect well half of the time.
I constantly feel like ending it, although he is the only man who has listened, related and cared deeply for me, and I don’t want to hurt him. I’m at a loss of what to do and over think every move I make, causing daily stress headaches. I would really appreciate your advice.
My response:
- Sheryl Paul on November 2, 2015
In your case, it may be that your anxiety is alerting you to a real problem (as opposed to an offshoot of your own need to turn inward; although it may be that as well) as you’re describing one and possibly two red flag issues with the daily drinking and the money problems. Is your partner open to couples’ therapy, or therapy on his own?
I hope this post elucidates what is “enough” in romantic love. As always, I’d love to hear from you in the comments.
Hi Sheryl! The friendship conversation always triggers me. I can’t tell if I truly don’t like him, or if I’m seeing him through fear eyes. There are certainly things I do like about him, but other things that I don’t (and I can acknowledge that we won’t always like everything about our partners!). It’s so hard to tell which outweighs the other though, and if I’m just seeing his flaws magnified to a degree that distorts my perception of him. What are your thoughts on this? Xx
Hi fellow community member 🙂 I related a lot to your comment and what you’re saying about magnifying the “flaws” or the things you don’t like about your partner. I ruminate a lot about whether or not we have a foundation of friendship or if I would choose to be his friend had we met in an organic way – we met on Hinge (dating app) first of October and started dating soon after. So mind you, I’ve known this person for 4 months.
With my ex my trigger was the chemistry, and now with my current boyfriend the triggers are about connection and friendship. And like you, it’s hard for me to tell which outweighs the other or I’m just “convincing myself that I like them”. But I’d say that behind that there’s still the projection/ expectation of perfection, or the need for certainty, at least for me. Unlike you, I struggle a lot with ambivalence and I really suffer and feel guilty if I don’t like something about my partner, I feel horrible because I have an internal expectation that if I was in the right relationship I would like everything about them. I know it’s irrational, but it still gets me. All I know to be real rn is that deep down I’m so scared of taking the risk of loving and getting hurt, but you can’t do one without expecting the other to happen at some point… idk if I’ve helped you but yeah just wanted to let you know that we’re not alone:)
I totally relate to this. I would love to hear Sheryl’s thoughts
If you feel comfortable sharing here, tell me what you like and what you don’t like.
Hi Sheryl! I think you’re asking S but I’ll join too. Things I like: he’s caring and attentive. He remembers everything I tell him and for example he would ask me how X thing went (which is something my ex never did which it’s fine but it’s like a huge difference). He’s open to talk about anything and listens. He’s up to date with like social political stuff, so he cares about the world and people around him. He’s a good friend to his friends. He gets vulnerable with me and playful (like not afraid or censoring of acting “childish”, which is something I do a lot). He doesn’t take himself seriously. He’s clean, responsible, studies, has a job… Things I don’t like: he’s never done therapy. I know this is a biggie for me because my ex did go to therapy and like I have a very rigid idea about this and like I see someone that goes to therapy as taking care of themselves but I know it plays a big part on my relationship anxiety because I have like black and white thinking about it. As in, if he doesn’t go to therapy that means that he’ll hurt me and dump his shit on my and on and on. Which is not true because you can go to therapy and still be an a**hole. But it’s a trigger for sure. And the test it’s like not enoughness stuff like he’s not as funny as my ex or he’s not as sensitive as him (my ex would get really vulnerable and was super comfortable with it and had no issues crying etc which is something I loved). So there’s this part of my of like can you just cry!!!! lol. And then another one is that he drinks/does drugs but like my friends or my ex did, socially and ocasionally. But this plus the therapy thing it’s what I cling to, like I keep having this thoughts like he does drugs and drinks to deal with his things, which I know is not true? Like I want to make that clear, he doesn’t have a using problem, it’s my anxiety talking. And then the classic things like I’m constantly seeking the connectedness feelings, the in love feelings etc. and if I’m having a bad day and he’ll ask me what’s up and try to understand me and just listen, I would immediately think like ugh my ex really got me and that sends me into a spiral like he doesn’t get you etc etc. anyways sorry for the rumble. As always thanks for your work Sharyl. Been a long time listener and reader. Love from Spain
It sounds like relationship anxiety, but there are often nuances that need attention. If you haven’t taken the course I highly recommend it so that you can more easily discern between fear and truth.
Thanks for replying Sheryl, but if I’m completely honest, your answer really spiked my anxiety. I know you said it sounds like relationship anxiety, but everything you said after that (the nuances that need attention, discerning fear from truth) really spiked my anxiety. Can I ask you what you mean by that? Although I’d love to do the course I can’t afford it rn and I’m also already committed to a therapy process.. thanks again for taking the time to reply
I can understand why you felt spiked, Martina. I’ll be writing more about this in my Sunday blog post, so stay tuned. In the meantime, trust that there are no red flags in what you’re describing.
Hi Sheryl and the relationship anxiety community! I did your relationship anxiety course when I was at breaking point last year with severe, debilitating depression and anxiety, which took its foothold in whether my relationship was right. It was like having my heartbroken in a million different ways. I managed to get through it thanks to therapy, self work, your course (pivotal) and my absolutely amazing supportive partner.
I resonate with this post so much, certainly my anxiety has latched onto “enoughness” so many times. I’ve had all of the enoughness themed anxieties you can think of! For me, the root boils down to picking up on microsignals of disconnection. I wonder if you’ve experienced this with other clients, but for me it seems less about projecting my own insecurities but more about fearing that my partner has or is evolving traits of my abusive parents. So it actually signalling or testing “is this safe”, and by that I mean “will this be the end, then I won’t be safe”. So I had to work on being ok, or rather knowing I will be ok if our relationship did end, and trusting myself I would know if and when that was.
It’s been a long, long journey. So I guess I’m commenting on this post both because I wholeheartedly agree, but also in case someone else is out there at the beginning of their journey like I was last year and needs a little hope. X
Hi Jess: Thank you for your supportive comment and sharing your story. I’m so glad the course was helpful, as well as all of the other amazing sources of support.
Yes, I think at the core most of us are highly attuned to micro-moments that could indicate disconnection, and how that relates back to childhood wounds. It’s so good that you’re naming it and working with it, as that’s how we heal and continue to show up with an open heart even when everything inside us is signaling old danger. Relationships aren’t easy!
How have people dealt with reoccuring RA with the same partner? Healthy relationship, no red flags. We have a beautiful family (daughter and puppy) and that ultimate question are we meant to be together or is it anxiety saying something else often tends to be the centre question. Even as I type I feel somewhat silly but frustrated because I try to breathe, pause, accept the question, believe it’s true, get super anxious then step back and ask what else it is but I can’t figure it out. This always tends to go in a vicious cycle that I get stuck in.
I also struggled with picking the flaws but understand that there is no such thing as the one and that’s always allowed me to open up my heart and not put him under a microscope since no one is perfect.
Maybe I always get stuck because of fixation and over thinking everything. Just curious to know if this is also a struggle or common pattern with others.
Yes, it’s a common pattern. Remember: anxiety is a messenger, and it points to places in our inner lives where we feel off-kilter. It can take time to shift away from the thoughts and turn inward, and you won’t figure it out in your head. Our four realms live in our bodies, and that’s the place to turn to when the thoughts are loud.