In last week’s blog post I explored the question of “What is ‘Enough’ in Romantic Love?” One reader commented:
“The friendship conversation always triggers me. I can’t tell if I truly don’t like him, or if I’m seeing him through fear eyes. There are certainly things I do like about him, but other things that I don’t (and I can acknowledge that we won’t always like everything about our partners!). It’s so hard to tell which outweighs the other though, and if I’m just seeing his flaws magnified to a degree that distorts my perception of him. What are your thoughts on this?”
To which several other readers chimed in with the same question. Another reader, screenname Martina, shared more details about her relationship anxiety, to which I responded:
“It sounds like relationship anxiety, but there are often nuances that need attention.”
I knew as I was writing it that my response could be triggering, and sure enough, she wrote back:
“Thanks for replying Sheryl, but if I’m completely honest, your answer really spiked my anxiety. I know you said it sounds like relationship anxiety, but everything you said after that (the nuances that need attention, discerning fear from truth) really spiked my anxiety. Can I ask you what you mean by that?”
A Letter to the Anxious Mind
Here’s my response:
Dear Martina:
I can understand why my response spiked you. When people come to my work struggling with relationship anxiety, they’re hoping that I’ll respond with something along the lines of, “This is 100% relationship anxiety,” which translates to: “Your relationship is guaranteed to succeed.” Sadly, there are few things that are 100% in this life, and nobody can give you the stamp of guaranteed success. The anxious mind, with its need for black-and-white rules and mindsets, hates that!
One of the great invitations of relationship anxiety is to grow self-trust. That means knowing ourselves well enough to discern our core needs and values. You won’t get every need met, and not every value will be in alignment. But it’s up to you to discern which needs and values are non-negotiable and which ones you can bend on. We will all bend in relationships; that’s part of the formula for success. But only you can determine where you’re willing to compromise and where you’re not.
Another invitation is to learn to tolerate ambiguity and uncertainty. As with all forms of anxiety/OCD, the primary goal of the anxious mind is to gain certainty. But, again, there is nothing certain in this life, and least of all in relationships. This reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from Rainer Maria Rilke in his famous little book, Letters to a Young Poet (this is a particularly beautiful translation):
“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”
So when I talk about nuance, what I mean is that, while you’re clearly struggling with relationship anxiety, there are likely other components at play that can only be resolved by knowing yourself and trusting yourself. Again, we all have non-negotiable needs in a relationship.
For one person, that need might be for their partner to abstain from all alcohol.
For another it might be that their partner is open to therapy or another form of self-help and personal growth. Only you know what you need and what is true for you.
As we’re growing our self trust, which hinges on self-knowledge (I’m glad to hear you’re in therapy), it helps to develop some tolerance for “I don’t know”. This is where “loving the questions themselves” comes in.
Let me be clear: There’s nothing in your comment that indicates you need to leave. You’re not describing red flags. You’re talking about aspects that you don’t absolutely love, which will show up in every relationship. The question is if these aspects are dealbreakers for you. Only you can answer that.
Remember, we’re not seeking 100% clarity when it comes to relationships. We’re not seeking a 100% match either. Because the perfect partner doesn’t exist, there are always going to be aspects that we will compromise on. An 80% match where most of our important needs are met, where there’s a foundation of connection and friendship, where both people are willing to learn and grow, and where core values are aligned is gold.
To summarize, the key pieces to focus on are: growing self-trust so you can discern your true needs and values; and learning to tolerate ambiguity. The most illuminating sentence in your first comment is:
“I struggle a lot with ambivalence and I really suffer and feel guilty if I don’t like something about my partner.”
There’s your growing edge, Martina. At the end of the day, it’s really the growing edge for most of us: How do we tolerate uncertainty and ambivalence? It’s so easy to project it onto our partner, but the work is ours and it will show up with any available partner. In truth, it’s the work of a lifetime, and one worthy of our attention.
Dear Sheryl,
I love your blog posts, your responses, your book, and your courses. Although I haven’t taken the relationships course, I’ve read many of your comments and deeply resonate with what you teach.
My relationship of more than 20 years — with its highs and lows — has taught me more about myself than any book, therapist, or course ever could. Through it, I have traveled to both the paradise and the hell of my own mind, and even today I continue to feel surprised and fascinated.
This past year I incorporated the daily three pages from The Artist’s Way, and it has added tremendous depth to my self-reflection and brought a meaningful calm to my anxiety. I also read extensively about psychology (I’m currently reading Running on Empty No More, which has brought me so much light). And yes, sometimes I “talk” with ChatGPT to help organize my thoughts so I don’t unload all my anxiety onto my husband — I use it as a tool for perspective, not as a substitute for the relationship.
Being in partnership has been, for me, an intense path of personal growth — just as my unconditional love for my daughters has been. Fear still appears at times — especially when doubts arise or when the phrase “red flags” enters my anxious mind — but I’ve learned that changing partners doesn’t necessarily simplify the inner process. More often, the work is to go deeper: to try tools that help, create structure, surround ourselves with inspiring people and spaces, and learn to enjoy the process — the insights, the subtle shifts, and the deeper connections that gradually emerge.
I once heard Elaine Aron, expert on highly sensitive people, say that she doesn’t believe it’s possible to sustain a deep romantic relationship without some level of psychological understanding. Over the years, I’ve come to understand what she meant. And it’s not only about romantic love — in my case, motherhood has also been a profound call to emotional maturity, especially navigating the reality that my current husband is not the biological father of my daughters.
Thank you for reminding us that the real work is developing self-knowledge, growing in consciousness within the relationship, and learning to live the questions each day. For me, daily writing has been one of the most powerful ways to let those questions breathe and to stay present in that space. 🙂
This post totally sums up my struggles with RA. I know when I get fixated on the thought “Are we meant to be together/is he the one?” is a need for certainty thought. For myself I’ve found the best way is to just accept and stop fixating because it’s an unanswerable question. Then I tend to snap out of it. But then an ego voice will creep in and say you’re ignoring it, you should have an answer, others seem to break through easier than you. But I try to remember to breath and tell myself “whatever you water/fuel will grow.” And the ego voice will calm down.
The other part to your post is the understanding that some values you may need to bend if you feel it’s okay to. I know I struggled with us having different interests and being opposites. I’ve done the writing of the breakup letter to the perfect bf. One thing I still need to become a little curious about is how come I feel anxious when he doesn’t like or want to do something I want to. It almost feels like rejection. And am I more likely to feel this when I’m off-kilter? Sometimes I don’t care and other times I get a little sad.
After this post I had a shower and good cry because I know I’m struggling with my partner working longer shifts away and I’m home alone parenting. The fact I just want to spend more time and be together kind of help sets that anchor that this is just RA acting up again.
Thanks for the posts Sheryl!
Thank you for sharing some of your journey with us, Nicole. I love the curiosity you’re bringing to what happens for you when your partner doesn’t want to do something you want to do. It’s that curiosity that helps us find insight into our triggers, and ultimately acceptance for these inevitable rough spots that will show up in every marriage.
Thank you for these wise and beautiful words, Esmerelda. I’m so glad you’ve found journaling to be a helpful tool for self-knowledge. It’s certainly one of my favorites :).
I bought Sheryl’s book, The Wisdom of Anxiety, when it first came out, after finding her work online (somewhere) and deeply connecting with it.
I let the book sit on my bookshelf for years, and then, eventually storage. I unpacked it in 2025 and in December, set it aside to read in 2026.
I recently finished it, and, if you are reading this and haven’t yet read it, I invite you to do so. And then read it again. And again. At least, that’s my plan.
I connected with Sheryl’s work because it was the first time ever in my 37 years (at the time) that someone “got it”. Someone understood. And with that, the walls started to come down. The light bulbs illuminated more brightly.
When I was 18, about to graduate high school, is when anxiety sunk its teeth in, in a way that I could no longer ignore. During one particularly bad anxiety “attack” (for lack of a better word), I found myself self-soothing with the statement “Listen to your heart, not your mind.” I said those words out loud over and over and over.
That’s the work.
Listen to your heart, not your mind.
The book guides you through that process.
The universe has impeccable timing.
Thank you for these beautiful words about my book. I’m receiving them with deep warmth and gratitude.
Hi Sheryl I’m really hoping you see my post and reply. My husband retired from work in December and I’m now experiencing a full blown attack of ROCD. It keeps coming back every few years & in between my physical ailments keep increasing. I’d even convinced myself I had early onset dementia, but tests have proved there is nothing wrong with my memory & its most likely my mental health. My concentration keeps deteriorating as I battle to cope with my anxiety & the intrusive thought. My ROCD is seeping out through physical & mental health problems & I’m very afraid. As I type this I feel shaky inside, tearful, light headed, heart racing & sick. Had this hundreds of times yet every time I attempt to leave my husband it all gets hundreds of times worse & totally incapacitates me. I feel desperate to talk but cant tell my husband again. I’ve put him through enough in the past & its not fair on him. I dont understand why sometimes the thoughts dont bother me (its as if they are in a sealed box) and then suddenly the lid blows off again & I feel like I’m fighting for my life.
I’m so sorry you’re suffering. When it hits, it can hit hard and be completely debilitating. As anxiety is a messenger and a protector, the first place to explore is around anything else that is going on in your life that needs attention: an anniversary of a loss, a current transition, an old grief. I hope you have good sources of support as we’re not meant to navigate life alone. If it’s feasible for you, I encourage you to join my monthly calls as they’re the most cost-effective way to receive regular support from me and this beautifully wise community. You can learn more here: https://conscious-transitions.com/monthly-support-group-with-sheryl/
Thanks for your reply Sheryl & once we’re in a better financial position then I will join this. Since my post I’m now over the worst & back on an even keel again.
Hi Sheryl – I am wondering you can shed some light for me. I’ve gotten to the point in my healing process where I can sit still and feel the feeling that is causing me panic. However, there are no words, no visuals, no understandings of what that feeling actually is. It just feels like a pressure.It feels consuming, to sit with it for too long without having any clarity. Have you experienced this before?
This is kind of where I am at too. However I can some what tell there’s sadness and fear but can’t quite fully feel it or get clarity.