Am I Meant To Be With My Ex?

DSCF3230In a one-minute video spot Eckhart Tolle read a question from a woman who asked, “I’m currently married but I can’t seem to get over an old boyfriend. I haven’t seen this man in over ten years but I’ve had minimum contact with him. I understand that these thoughts are my ego and that I need to remain present but is it possible that I’m really meant to be with the old flame?”

After he read the question, he smiled and paused, and the audience laughed. And then he said, “Very unlikely. It’s one way to create an almost fantasy situation. The mind sometimes likes that so that it can stay in control. It creates some kind of fantasy that draws you in every day, you can go there, it’s like a room in your mental house. And you go there every day to live out the fantasy in your mind. That’s how the mind can deceive you because you can believe that there’s something real there. It’s very unlikely that there is something real here in this case.”

Although there’s lightness in his response, for those who are truly obsessed with an ex there’s no lightness at all. To be stuck in this mental prison – in “this room of your house” – is nothing short of torture in that it prevents you from enjoying your current partner. His response is spot-on – brilliant, really – but it leaves you wanting more, desperately wondering, “So now that I know that obsessing about an ex is a mental distraction, what do I do about it?”

The first step is name what’s actually happening. It’s a powerful first step, and when you can name your experience with conviction repeatedly, it’s like casting a powerful spell that breaks the allure of the fantasy. As Tolle said, the thrives on control, which is really the illusion of control. Once you identify its tactics it begins to lose its power. The inner dialogue would go something like this:

Ego: “There you go, thinking about your ex again. You had such amazing chemistry and you dream about him (her) at least once a week. That must mean that you’re meant to be with him (or her).”

Self: “I know that’s what it feels like, but that’s not actually true. It’s an illusion of my mind, your way to distract me from the risk of the here and now, of opening my heart to my present, available partner. I’m not going to indulge those thoughts anymore.”

Ego: “That’s crap. Just admit it: you’re still in love with him. You’ll never feel as excited about your partner as you did about your ex. Why do you keep feeding me these ridiculous lines?”

Self: “It’s you who’s feeding the lines. It’s you who can’t let go. It’s you who is trying to convince me that I don’t really love my partner. I know you’re scared. I know you don’t want me to risk making myself vulnerable. I know that when I think about my ex I feel safer in some way, sequestering myself in that same, familiar room in my mind. But I’m not going to do that anymore. Instead I want to know what you’re afraid of.”

Ego: “I told you: I’m not scared! I’m telling you the truth and if you choose not to listen you’re going to settle for less than what you deserve.”

Self: “You sound incredibly convincing but every time I listen to you I feel anxious and confused. Listening to you ramble about my ex isn’t serving me. But if you want to tell me what you’re scared of I’m happy to listen.”

Fear: “I’m scared that I’ll get hurt. I’m scared I won’t be good enough. I’m scared that once my partner really knows me he’ll leave. I’m scared to be vulnerable. I’m scared to show him my heart. I’m scared to really, really let him in without having a wall up. I’m scared. I’m scared. I’m scared. I’m scared.”

Self: “Thank you. I know. Tell me more.”

***

And so it goes. When the Self can hold solid and confident in its stance, knowing that the ego is feeding lines as a way to avoid and protect, you can break through and arrive at the truth of your experience. The fantasies of the ex, the wondering, the confusion  - it’s all a bunch of clever smoke and mirrors designed to keep you safe inside your familiar, protected box. If you’re ready for the box to break open, you have to take the first essential step of calling ego out on the mat, exposing its lies, and gently, like the bully that it can be, softening into the truth, which is that inside every bully is a scared child. If you could meet that part of you with enough love instead of cowering in the corner every time it pipes up, your life would transform.

39 comments to Am I Meant To Be With My Ex?

  • Barry John Johnson

    Nice article on the games the ego plays – I say the ego “hijacks” – it takes one little issue that may have a little bit of emotional charge behind it and it sees that as an opportunity to milk that, or blow that up, as way of gaining control, having power – the ego is very interesting as a creature seeking power and energy – once you simply shine the light on it, it shrinks, becomes more of a nuisance vs a controlling entity of sorts- that spark that caught the egos attention in the first place cold also mean that there is some processing work left to be done on that old relationship ie guilt or self forgiveness on what we could have done differently

    • Wow, Barry, that is so clearly articulated and insightful. Thank you for shedding more light on this sometimes subtle game of the mind! And, yes, I would say there’s almost always an element of truth to what the ego hooks onto – in this case the need for more closure, grieving, forgiveness, or even seeing the ex as a projection of Self and understanding that there are qualities the ex possessed that the Self would like to cultivate. So in this sense we can see the ego’s tactic is a misguided gift of sorts, yes?

  • LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS ARTICLE!!! I am SO glad you wrote it. I myself struggled with this ex-obsessions for years…have had partners who have been obsessed with an ex…etc. etc. It’s such a real issue, and it lends itself to all kinds of anxiety, confusion, doubt and pain. I agree wholeheartedly with what you’ve written and I’m so glad you’re sharing this message with so many. People need it and it can’t be said enough. And you said it so so well too! I am SO glad you actually did an excerpt of a dialogue between Self and Ego that was fantastic! Thank you!

  • sarah

    These comments remind me of when children miscue – when they try to get some need met but go about it in ways that are often confusing and contradictory to what the need actually is. For example, a child who hits another thinking this is a way to make a connection with him or her, when ultimately the aggression pushes the person away. So, our egos have adapted to our mental environment (which may resemble what once was our actual environment – feelings not being seen and met with compassion) and have learned maladaptive ways of getting our attention. Enter intrusive thoughts, obsessions, etc. Maybe all of these things are signals of disconnection and attempts to reconnect, from the hitting child to the ego chatter, and we need to move toward vs. pull away. This has been a nice reframe for me. :)

  • Barry John Johnson

    Hi Sheryl, thank you for acknowledging and responding to my comment. My answer to your question is: yes. I think once we recognize the ego as being on the scene and see it for what it is. We can ask: What information is this ego-ic activity giving me ? That is interesting to me as I have always thought that the thoughts and feelings we experience through the day represent information, information that sometimes needs thoughtful consideration as to accuracy for the situation, vs reactiveness – I hadn’t put ego in the same thought process which is a sort of separate source of thought and feeling we experience through out the day- thanks for helping me think that through :)

  • Mary

    Sheryl,

    This article has finally help me put my mind at ease to help me not feel so guilty for the past and embrace the future with whoever is next up for dating. I dated someone for 4 plus years and have always wondered if us being separated was a mistake or weakness on my part. I can now see that it’s my desire to stay comfortable and my fear of vulnerability that is keeping me in prisoned and not allowing me to date other wonderful men. Thank you for teaching us to speak to our egos or “weaker side” with grace and compassion; this is essential to breaking through and opening up again to a new love.
    Love your stuff,
    Mary

  • Kanita

    Thabk you Sheryl, I go through this a lot, sometimes it goes away, most times it comes back. Dated my ex for 5yrs and was engaged to him for 3 yrs out of that. The reason we did not get married is because his family did not approve. Now that I am married, I can obviously see that we may have been a disaster, especially domestic wise and the way we address issues e.t.c. I loved him but I was never good enough for him. Your article has set me in motion and I hope it helps me. The thing is I was very sure I loved my ex but with my hubby, I married him because I admired lots of qualities in him and believed that our love we grow. We dated for less than a year. Thank you so much for this advice, I will be glad to hear even more!

    • Katherine

      Kanita,
      Your post really spoke to me. Unlike you I married the guy who I was never good enough for. It was a disaster, he never treated me very well but I “knew” I loved him. When I met my current partner (we have lived together for 1.5 years now) I freaked out when I couldn’t always find this “feeling” but I choose to be with him everyday because I love who he is and how committed he is to growing our love. Although I wish I had known all of this when I was with my ex I’m so glad I know what love really is now :)
      Thanks for sharing!

  • Jose

    And what if this happens when you are the one who left the other on a don’t-know-if-I-love-you-enough obsession?. A year has passed, nothing has changed, cannot see rebuilding my life with another person, try to find a way back to her, looking for something that tells me undoubtely “you loved her”… This is a nightmare…

  • Ann

    Sheryl,
    Thanks so much for this article. I love getting your mails every week as they always make me think and seem to relate somehow or other to what is currently going on in my life and they offer me some help in finding a way through. This week is much more serendipitous than usual though as I received an email from my ex and have been mulling over how to reply. We were together for a very long time, 9 years initially (I was 15 when we started going out), we broke up for 3 years, got back together for two, then ultimately broke up again 4 years ago. Experience has taught me that while we were ‘desperately’ in love (I’m aware of my choice of words there) we have very different value systems and different views on what we want from life. Despite all this I’ve found myself thinking about him constantly during the time we’ve been apart, dreaming about him etc. I’ve found it impossible to move on in another relationship. I’ve been on many dates but no-one seems right and I find myself comparing them to my ex. I feel in a terrible limbo at times, or a purgatory, not really being able to live my life and somehow waiting for him, even though he has moved on (though I suspect he struggles with it too sometimes). At other times I feel like I’m moving on and not thinking about him at all, them suddenly he’s invading my thoughts again and I’m once more living in the past. I realise this is all fear based as I am afraid of the unknown and what might enter my life. At least with him I have the safety of familiarity. I’m so glad I read your email before replying to him, its easy to get sucked back in to the fantasy of us being together but it is just a fantasy, the reality is we’ve broken up twice and there’s no reason to believe the same wouldn’t happen again. Now I feel I can approach him with a bit more rationality after reading your article, especially the inner dialogue which I may have written myself!
    My thanks.

  • jacquimack

    I needed this today, thankyou Sheryl x

  • Angela

    Hi Sheryl, it’s been a while since I’ve heard from you..that is such a simple way of explaining it where people can totally understand.. Well done.. You got my attention thanks

  • Angela

    Hi Sheryl, it’s been a while since I’ve heard from you..that is such a simple way of explaining it where people can totally understand.. Well done.. You got my attention thanks

  • Lindsay

    Even though I do not long for any of my exes, this post was really insightful. My ego shows itself in other ways, but it is still all fantasy and remains in my head. And you are right, it is safe and it is about control. I cannot control what my partner thinks about me, or how deep he loves me. So I create little fantasies where it would be easier to know, where he would obviously adore me because fantasy-me is much more accomplished and composed. :) And I like to stay there because it is so much easier than putting it all on the line with no gimmicks, just authenticity and vulnerability.

    The second one is much more beautiful though, isn’t it?

  • Cait

    Sheryl and friends!

    This is my first time actually posting on one of the articles after countless saved bookmarks of what applies to my life. Sheryl, you work is truly remarkable and has had a profound impact on my mental health these past couple months. Between seeing a therapist once a week and reading through your articles as I apply them as best as I can to my relationship, I cannot begin to thank you enough. Though this article did not apply to me with questions about whether or not I should be with my ex, it definitely applied to my current relationship with one of the best men to ever sit next to me (walk into my life sounds a little cliché :) ) as I read the dialogue between the Ego and Self. I literally broke down into tears because of how much I hear these conversations almost every couple of days, but the difference is that I tend to believe my ego who is trying everything in its power to stay in control of my life. My “self” is definitely working on the steps to improve each and every day that this is okay and that you must tend to this self only with comfort, carefully looking out for any signs of manipulation on egos part because she feeds off of your (general term) weakness. I am going to have a dialogue with my ego and write down exactly what her deal is because she may think that she has my best interest, she fears the competition of my loving boyfriend who will break her and make her happy. She just needs to believe in me and trust me as I trust my boyfriend.

    I just wanted to write this all out. I hope this makes sense. I am very happy that I am working towards more self love, confidence, and my mental health. Thank you again Sheryl, for your constant devotion for helping other people and to the readers who are brave and strong to share their experiences with everyone. Thank you thank you, from the very bottom of my heart. My deepest gratitude to you all.

  • Macy

    Hi Sheryl and everyone, I am very young (soon to be 19 years old) and have been in my relationship for 5 years…I really want to talk to someone from this site who can understand me and help me. Even if its just a few e-mails, I keep commenting and I am starting to think that my situation is too different from the others here and that is why no one is responding to me. I just want to have a bit of insight…please

    • Hi Macy: I’m quite certain that if you found your way here there’s nothing different about your story. This site isn’t a forum so that’s why people don’t always respond to others’ comments; it’s primarily a place to share insights as opposed to receiving advice. If you want direct support I would recommend you sign up for the Conscious Weddings E-Course.

  • Macy

    As soon as I get the money I will, I am a student in university and am not working right now. It provides a great deal of reassurance to know that despite my age and my length of a relationship (since I was 13) that it still fits the mold of relationship anxiety. I have never had the infatuation stage with my boyfriend and have always had doubts (Didn’t love him at first, was staying for the wrong reasons….etc) even though he has supported me through everything, is a great person who shares the same basic values as me. This has really been tearing me apart for a long time and even my psychologist basically told me to leave if I wasn’t happy and that we were more like best friends but….I still wanted to give it another shot because he is just an amazing person.

    • Cait

      Hi Macy! :)

      I don’t know where else you have posted but I am reading your posts specifically on this article.
      First things first, I am so happy that you have a great supporting partner and I am glad you can say that, even though I read your posts with a tone of anxiety, I feel as though you are truly grateful for what he is doing to help you through this time and that you are seeking help! Coming here to this site and posting so vulnerably is commendable, it shows that you are taking the steps to fix the problems at hand. This is the last place I ever feel discouraged from and even though people here may be or may not be going through what you are going through, you are shedding even more light on the situations left in the shadows. For that, I thank you! Alrighty, I’m just going to dissect this as someone who too struggles from anxiety but with intentions that are good and hopefully a tad helpful! (:

      If I’ve learned anything from this site, I can say that “Doubt Means Don’t” truly triggered all kinds of anxiety for me, but in absolutely beautiful way. It sent my Ego into a spiral of grief that she was being brought to the stage to own up to some of her actions and thoughts. Macy, doubt is a normal part of life because no one likes taking their foot off the gas, hands off the wheel, and putting their life ride in cruise control.
      “What if I get into an accident?”
      “What if I hit someone?”
      “What if I lose control?!”
      All of these questions are fear based and our need to stay with our hands glued to the steering wheel so that we have complete control over over what roads to take, what bumps to avoid, what road blocks we can redirect ourselves from. It is the hardest thing to give up a lifestyle that tries to maneuver around these bumps to avoid the pain, or the road blocks that serve as a challenge to see if you’ll take the easy way around a situation. I don’t want this to be applied to your specific situation, but more so an overview of what fear can do to steer clear of a loving partner, keeping you all to itself, and even discouraging you from living the life you truly want to live.

      Another thing that you mentioned, never experiencing infatuation, was the line that Sheryl addresses a lot in her articles, the classic line of, “Well, if I didn’t go through an infatuation stage, and have butterflies in my stomach, and a racing heart every time I saw my partner, something must be wrong!” People really believe this sort of thing, and where I could sit here and judge, I feel nothing but complete understanding because I too believe what the society, media, you name it, told me about this stage and for that, I felt nothing but comfort here at CT. After reading articles on this blog that talked about this “stage” it clicked for me. I DID INDEED have an infatuation stage but did not experience butterflies in my stomach, a racing heart, the whole nine yards, but a small window of time allotted to get to know my boyfriend for first month in my relationship. This window blocked off some of my anxiety that would creep up every so often but would subside for a bit. Macy, I say this because once you love someone, you truly love someone, that infatuation stage doesn’t really matter, because if you feel connected to him, you’re going to be in fear over-drive, and thats okay, but you must sit with yourself and ask yourself questions with deeper than the surface answers.
      Ask yourself,
      “how does he really treat me?”
      “does he allow me to grow as a person?”
      “does he hold my best interest?”
      “does he incorporate me into his life so I don’t just feel like a convenience but a part of this man’s lifestyle?”
      “do his values, his goals, his aspirations, his beliefs, sit well with me?” (you may not have to agree upon every last thing but you should not be butting heads about what you stand for in life and seek out of it!)

      Lastly, my opinion is that 13 is very young. You have both known one another through the teenage years and hopefully experienced situations that made you both stronger as a couple and as individuals. But Macy, age is really just a number, its a hard fact to accept because you’ve been together up until University, but if you both have been happy and overcame obstacles together during the 6 years that you have dedicated to loving not only one another but yourselves, you are very lucky! Macy, I’ve been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for a year and a month today!; I have had relationships before him that I’ve learned from, and that is why I CHOSE to let someone like him into my life! I’m learning with having a support system, being on here, seeing a therapist as well, and practicing self love helps because I want to never stop learning about these things. The more you become aware, the stronger you become, and anxiety takes the backseat!

      Macy, no one is going to tell you to leave him or stay with him, because only YOU really know your partner, his flaws, his insecurities, what makes him tick AND you also know YOURSELF, what you want out of life, your goals, your aspirations, the support and love of another human being in difficult times, and your choice of whether to continue to grow or take the easy way out. It pains me to write that because of how much we search for concrete answers in this world, but know that you are not alone and by reading these articles, and the experiences that people share, you find your comfort, and the answer within you.

      I hope this helped a little or just gave you a little insight of what I am learning and continuing to learn on the daily and I wish you all the best and I hope you know we will always be here for you! (:

      • Macy

        Thank you Cait…Thank you so much…

        • Michelle

          Hi Macy,

          I commented below but I thought I would share that over a year ago I was seeing a counselor who also encouraged I break up with my long term boyfriend (we’ve been together 8 years now and started dating in high school). She even related it to her own personal story. I was sharing about all my doubts, essentially sharing maybe I’m just staying for the wrong reasons, and I can see looking back that a lot of it was focused on him. I did have a sense that somehow if I could be less doubtful, less influenced by outside opinions, feel more secure that I would feel okay and good about my relationship. Sheryl’s work and ecourse (which I am working through) do show that it really comes down to looking inside of ourselves. So we did eventually take a break (which I initiated) and it lasted a month and we spoke to each other throughout this month. It didn’t feel any more right though, it just seemed more confusing and hurt a lot. I too just wanted to give it another shot because even though I was focused on what he isn’t or doesn’t give me (which I essentially need to give myself) he is so caring, respectable (even through my doubt and the break), and sensible and I do love him a lot. Your story speaks to me a lot and thought I would share how I relate just like many others :) .

          • Macy

            Dear Michelle, we seem to have many things in common, lately I have felt very disconnected and am worried about convincing myself and about not ever being happy (because its been this way the whole relationship) and also about never truly having fun or enjoying…If you would like, we could correspond via e-mail I would really like that. Thanks for your response! It helped alot
            :)

  • Macy

    Just one quick thing Sheryl….my big anxiety triggers are the fact that I stayed for the wrong reasons in the relationship, that he just grew on me, that I never had infatuation (since i started going out with him at 13 and never had that stage) and that I am young and should be experimenting and searching for better and and just scared to do it…. are things common anxiety triggers?

    • Hi Macy, I think reasons for staying in the relationship is something that you’ll have to figure out on your own. Think about why you’re staying in the relationship now. What does the relationship give you? You’re obviously getting *something* out of it otherwise you wouldn’t be there.

      As for “growing on you.” I have a best friend I met when I was 12. We’re still best friends now, despite living hours away from each other. We grew up together so we know each other like no one else. Why did I become friends with her? Was it just because we were in the same class, happened to meet each other, saw each other often, and she just “grew on me?” Does it matter? She’s the one I call on when I’m stressed out and need support, when I need someone to listen to me, or even when I just want to chat. Whether or not we were “meant” to be friends to begin with, we’re friends now, and that friendship is as solid as it gets.

      The point of infatuation is that we grow out of it. For some people it’s a really short time period, for others it can last years — it totally depends on the person. But statistically, the marriages that fail the most often are ones where people got married within the infatuation stage. Not having an infatuation stage doesn’t impact the longevity of your relationship, other factors such as how well you get along do. (Also, “love at first sight” is a myth. You grow to love people, it’s not instantaneous.)

      No matter your age, you might feel like you should be experimenting and searching for “someone better.” I’m quite a bit older than you and due to outside pressures on my last relationship, I felt like I should be “searching for something better.” Turns out that feeling was coming from the outside, not the inside; sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference. The question isn’t, is there something better out there — because you can always convince yourself that there is. The question is, does this relationship make you happy? Does it support you? Do you enjoy it? (Minus the bumps that every relationship has — nothing is ever perfect.)

      As well as this website, I recommend you read Carolyn Hax at the Washington Post. She gives out good advice, and often questions come in that are similar to yours.

  • Macy

    I know you cant typically give advice on the site…you are just my online life line it seems sometimes.

  • Macy

    I mean only*

  • Jenna

    I have never commented before, but your website & e-course have saved my relationship, Sheryl. I am getting married in less than a month (I can’t believe it!), and if I didn’t take the e-course, I think I would have called my engagement off several months ago.

    This article particularly hit home for me, though; I have been thinking about my ex (whom I met 10 years ago), and we dated for several years. We broke up in college, and then were on-and-off for several years. Now, we are both engaged to be married, although I do think about him a lot. We had a certain *spark* and I don’t always feel that with my current partner. I find myself wondering, “what if we never broke up?” or “what if I’m meant to be with him because I can’t stop thinking about him (and I know he feels similarly), am I really going to go the rest of my life feeling this way?” Then I step back and remember WHY we broke up. We tend to see only the positive after a relationship ends, but there were certainly negatives (and many of them) as well.

    I look back at the e-course lessons periodically, as sometimes I need a bit of a booster and a reminder that what I’m going through is normal. It never ceases to help me and remind me that these feelings are NORMAL.

    Macy — I agree with Sheryl, and I think you should sign up for the course. After the first lesson, I immediately felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I remember exactly what I was doing as I was listening to the woman speak in the recording, and I kept thinking, “omg that’s me, that’s me.” It is just SO powerful to know you’re not alone and that these feelings really are normal. We have these expectations of what falling in love should be like (I should see him and feel so attracted, I should fall in love and feel the butterflies, etc), and when our experiences don’t match our expectations, we think something is wrong. It sounds like your experience was not the “fairy tale” way of falling in love (but then again, whose is?), so you are questioning whether or not it’s legitimate. I think that you (when money allows), should take the e-course and do some soul-searching, but I think ultimately you will work through your anxieties and realize that just because your story isn’t “magical” or “perfect” doesn’t mean it isn’t real.

    • Macy

      Hi Jenny, thanks so much for your response, you brought up some great points….I think one of the major things that is keeping me from doing the e-course is this paralyzing fear of the answer that comes out of the soul searching to be that I indeed should leave him. I just got back into his life and started seeing his friends and family again, I don’t want to have to put him through another breakup. I know this seems like a cowardly excuse, but I feel like I’m not ready to sign up because of it.

  • Kit

    Macy,

    I can relate to you in a sense. My partner and I started to date at 16 and I’ve known him most of my whole life. We’ve been together since then and we’ve had a lot of ups and downs. At times I go through the same anxieties that you do, but when I sit and relax and just accept the thoughts and don’t try to fight them I find my truth. That I really do love him and truly do want to be with him! Another way I can tell you care so much is that if you didn’t love him and care for him you wouldn’t be on this site. You’re having anxiety because you’re having troubles trusting yourself and your decisions. Sheryl has mentioned before in articles about mindful meditation. Maybe google it and give it a try. You might find a lot of peace in it. Anxiety will make you think you need a sign to make the right or wrong decision…just try to focus on the “right now” and your anxiety should quiet down.

    • Michelle

      Hi Kit and Macy,

      Thank you for your sharing and insight. I am in a long term relationship and we also met young (and are still quite young). It is both of ours first serious relationship. It is comforting to know others feel the same way since I didn’t seem to find this in most of my friends. I feel the outside pressures a lot and let it get in my head and get confused and anxious about this. I definitely realize I have trouble trusting myself and decisions. Jenna also mentioned if its not magical doesn’t mean it’s not real and that’s a great message for me to take in. I definitely am guilty of dreaming, believing in, and wanting something magical (more of an adolescent orientation I think). Thanks :)

  • Macy

    Kit, I unfortunately can not see your post…I’m not sure why this is…:(

  • Macy

    Nor can I see Fayes comment :(

  • Macy

    Wow, thank you so much for the responses girls, it is very much appreciated.

    • Michelle

      Hi Macy, I can’t reply to your reply to my comment so I am posting here :) . I have felt so disconnected so I can relate. There was a point where I had decided I needed to break up but basically just felt cowardly because I couldn’t get up the courage to do it, I also felt shameful of this. I go through these disconnected days still including anxiety. But I also have days where I now feel really close with him, loving, and just literally see him in a different light (and our relationship as a whole). Its hard to explain but hold on to the hope! I havent even worked through the full ecourse yet, i have a lot of work to do, but along with this website and blog it has made such a different even knowing others have and do feel the same way. I can definitely email with you more to talk :)

  • Angela

    Today I feel 1. Feel stamped anxious
    2. Panic
    3. my eyes are swollen
    4. Scared.. About IVF
    5. Worried. About being a good parent especially when I feel anxious
    6. My feelings are trapped
    7. I feel lucky I’m married to Sunny
    8. I want to feel my usual relaxed self
    9. The fear is in the drivers seat today.. Get out of my car. I should be driving.. How dare you take over my life.. This is my life not yours. I’m happy so just get over it ok., I’m not scared of commitment and I do feel I have the courage to take the risk. I feel it’s a good and the right choice for me. Fear I know your trying to protect me from the possibility of getting hurt but I will be fine. Sunny is the best guy I love him to bits and I truly believe he will never hurt me because he truly loves me. I will never desire to be with another man.